Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Tell Tale Heart

Sometimes, when I drop Nikolina off in the morning, it is the absolute worst thing I have ever had to do in my life--I mean, it really is the absolutly most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life. Today, she just looked at me with this look, like "please don't leave me, what did I do?, I promise I'll be good, just don't go" and I swear my heart literally broke in to a million pieces. Everyone kept telling me how, it would be really difficult at first, but that it would get easier to leave her, and I keep waiting for that to kick in, and it hasn't is still unbearable every day. I pretty much cry at least once a day ranging anywhere from a single tear to a full blown out "break down." I manage to get through the day by pretty much just going numb and comatose, and trying not to think about much of anything, because if I allow myself to slow down, and really stop and think, I will remember that I don't know how my daughter is doing, I don't know what she is doing, or how she is feeling. I don't know if she is happy or sad, if she is lonely or scared. I don't know if she misses me, or if she feels like I abandoned her. Does she keep waiting for me to walk through the door, pick her up in my arms, and rescue her, smothering her with hugs and kisses. Does she even know how very much I wish I could change the situation I have put her in. Is she talking away, rolling over, having a giggle fit, or is she being quiet in the corner, quitely waiting for me to return. I'd pretty much give everything that I own, everything that I have, to be with her-kidney, organs you name it. I just hope that one day she'll forgive me...

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