Monday, October 11, 2010

Dream a little Dream...

So, lately, I have been kinda hum drum. Work is getting to me, and there is constantly changes, which is good, but sometimes, seems harrowing.  It's been beautiful out lately, and drudging into a building for 8 1/2 hours, save for a window, does not do much to lighten my mood.  I guess most days, the corporate life is ok. I mean, in winter, you don't really notice working inside, bc, well, you'd be inside anyway. But, every morning, stepping out into the sun and the fresh morning air, to turn around and walk into a drab, lifeless, colorless building feels like I've stepped into an Edgar Allen Poe short story. I guess I feel like when I hit those glass doors, my soul ebbs away. That sounds kind of dramatic saying aloud... i guess maybe it has a little (well, a lot) to do with, I know it will be about 9 hours before I see the pumpkin again, and she is my life's soul.

I am thankful to have a job. I know there are bigger things at play in the world. Larger, more important things. I am happy and so blessed to be healthy and for my family's health. There is nothing more precious and more wonderful than to be alive, to see the beauty in each day, and to live life through a child's eyes.  I guess what I am struggling with is a happiness that I know I cannot find when I step through those doors. I feel a drop in my heart.  And it doesn't much change throughout the day. I guess I just wonder if other people feel that way. Do people feel that way and just try and make the most of it, because, well they have to live, and work, and make a living by working.  Do most people just brush it off and try and make the most of their day, make the most of what they have. Does happiness come through an acceptance that this is your day, and you make it what you want.  You make the most of it. You can decide whether to feel that way or not.  Or is it maybe, something more. Like, maybe I should find a new job.  One that doesn't feel as though I loose my soul when I step inside.

Is my job that bad, or is that what I am making it?  I never fit into a box in high school. I forced myself into several boxes, but I didn't fit. I was a cheerleader, hung out with a pretty popular crowd.  Tried to be diligent with my studies, but any set back would deter me from that path, and I'd give up.  Sometimes, I felt like I was outside myself looking in, and I never really felt "there." Like we were all together, but seperate at the same time. As if we had an agreement to be "friends" without any of the real privelages of friendship. I did have a couple friends that I shared real friendships with throughout highschool.  I think I was just trying to find myself, determine where I fit. Which I guess is what Highschool is all about. Discovering yourself. Who you are. Who you want to be. Trying out a box, seeing if you fit. Do you want to fit there?  Are you forcing yourself to fit there?  Do you feel pressured to fit there?

In college, I never found my niche. I wanted to be independant and go away to college, but it ended up that 45 minutes proved to be too far.  I moved into an apartment with my best friends at 18, and supporting yourself and attending college is never a good way to start College. Kudos to those that start out that way and are successful, finishing college in four years.  But that wasn't me. I stumbled around, in and out of college.  I think because I never found that niche.  What was my dream?  What was I born to do?   My passion. My life's happiness, my purpose in life?  Do people find that when they go to college?  Or do a lot of people just settle for soemthing they have an interest in. Settle for a path someone else leads them down. 

In highschool, and my freshman year of college, I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to write Chick Lit, or a Auto Biography, or a Novel, or Junior Literature.  There were lots of English majors of the group of friends that I hung around with for a while after high school. When I would sit down and really pour my heart and soul and mind into writing, the result was usually really beautiful.  My highschool english teachers all swore I would grow up to be a writer. It was always lengthy, what poured out. I think I was always searching for the right words.  I always felt alive when I wrote.  I have journals and journals of poetry and thoughts.  It was what took me through highschool and adolescence, writing.  Then, I decided that I wanted to be different, so I decided to major in Psychology. Maybe I grew out of writing a little bit, or it outgrew me.  Then I wanted to be a lawyer.  I did love to argue.  But, that was seven years, and a bar exam.  I didn't have that stay.  Always loved animals, maybe I should be a vet, but I could never have that responsibility, I could never put an animal down.  I took an interest in Psychology after a couple of classes, and decided to take every single psychology course they offered at my Community College, and then was accepted into the Psych Dept at a University in my home town.  I enjoyed the Community College that I attended, well enough anyway. I fit in pretty good, well, because, it's such a diverse place, and so welcoming to all. A small environment where you get individual attention and you can grow. 

Once, at the University, at the age of 25, I found I didnt fit in there.  Everyone was 18, 19 years old, and no one really cared about you, teachers or students.  We were constantly asked to work on group projects and all the new freshman and sophmores, wanted to meet at 9 pm to work on our projects. They didn't work, usually, they didn't have bills to pay and responsibilities, most of them.  They were carefree and finding themselves, and I was already past that. I should have already known who I was, or who "I decided to be"  by my age.  But, I didn't. I didn't know what I wanted. I thought I wanted to be a psychiatrist, or a highschool counselor.  Then, when I didn't feel like I fit in the psych dept, after working at a local daycare, I went back to a childhood dream, and wanted to pursue teaching. I looked into teaching, but I basically had to start college all over again. My courseload had been so heavy in Psychology, I had basically drown myself in ever taking a different route.  I wasn't starting over, and I couldn't stand where I was anymore.  So, I had to get out.

Then the purchase of our home awakened in me an interest in Real Estate.  I decided that I'd try my hand at Real Estate from there, which I really liked. I think of all my jobs, I found Real Estate the most interesting, the most fun.  I was educated and worked under a veteran Realtor, who tried to teach me everything he knew regarding Real Estate. I never grew tired of learning Real Estate.  I was always eager for more.  It was the only job I ever had, where it didn't really feel like you were working, when, well, you were working. It felt like everyday was a new experience, something new.  I LOVED looking at homes, showing people homes. Going into someone's home. It was like a little secret that I could share with other people.  To see each person's space, each unique in it;s own right.  Each home, a piece of someone, a window to their soul. To see the looks on people's faces when they found a home that fit them0-It was pretty amazing. Sitting on the other side of the table at the bank, with both parties, when the papers were signed, and the keys handed over, and you saw the look in their eyes, like their dreams had just come true. Every little girl (and little boy)dreams of having her own home, their own space.  Watching the look on someone's face when they hold those keys, and know their dream has come true, well there's really nothing like it.  I always felt like I must be the luckiest person in the world to be able to be a part of  this profession.  Idid feel like I ws a little out of my league, after all there were 750 realtors in our area alone, but I felt compelled to try and my mentor gave me confidence.

Of course with the economy being as it is, Real Estate being an independant contracting business, and a busineess where I was told it takes 7 years to build a clientele and ever start making any money. As a new couple starting out, this was not a place that we could chose to be wisely and economically.  I decided to put it on the back burner, and eventually I stopped paying the renewal fees, as they are kinda steep for something we weren't sure we'd ever be in a position to able to put my hand in again.

So, enter Corporate life, which I said, I'd never do. I was not that person. I still am not that person. I didn't fit in highschool or college, and I don't fit now. Maybe other people don't fit either. But, It feels like I REALLY don't fit. I've tried to fit. I really have.  Of course, I know to be happy you have to find that happiness within yourself.  But, I feel so stuck. I really have no where to go from here.  Without anymore education, I cannot go any further in my position, and maybe that's why I don't feel challenged or fulfilled, becuase I know I am stuck.  and, I do not want to go back to College.  Could I find something here that I was more interested in than my current position, of course, if I went back to college, I could have that opportunity. Maybe a position in Human Resources or something similiar.  But, I feel so suffocated here, like a square peg, being shoved into a round hole. With a million little hands pushing and poking and prodding, "fit, fit fit."  If you've seen the movie "Office Space" or the opening to "Joe Versus the Volcano" that's me in a nutshell. And when I leave, I'm smashing the vending machine for all the times, it stole my animal crackers, ha ha, just kidding.  My job at times is rewarding, but nothing that warrants feeling like I have found my place in life, and my life is now complete. And, I hate stiffling up here, wasting my life away for something that doesn't make me feel like I am living everyday to the fullest, the best possible way that I can live it. 

I guess I have always felt like my position here was a temporary one, a holding pattern, not permanent. A stop on the way to somethign better. I never planned to stay here long.  It's been three years now.  What have I accomplished in those three years?  I just feel like the life is sucked right out of me.  I don't feel like I'm challenged the way I want to be challenged. I don't feel like I can grow, in every way a person should anc can grow as an individual.  I can think of a million other things that would have filled my soul in a way that I have not experienced here.  I have come to the realization that I want every momeent to mean something. I don't want to settle. I shouldn't have to settle. And if this position doesn't have "your dream" written all over it, why are you here?  Move on.  I would never encourage Nikolina to settle, to not pursue her dreams, I would never tell her not to live her dreams to the fullest. I have to set an example for her.  I have to live my dreams for myself, but also for her. She needs to see that, bc that is what I want for her.

When we got married, I enjoyed the wedding planning process so much that I wanted to become a Wedding Planner, thought maybe that could be my calling.  I had several people say they thought it would be a great calling for me.  I am so detail oriented and organized.  And through looking for photographers, and my own dissapointment in my own wedding photos, I found a LOVE for photography. I wanted to be that person for a couple, to take those incredible shots, to create images of the most wonderful day of their life that they could treasure for years and years to come, for generations to come. I wanted to make up for the shots that I felt we didn't get at our wedding, to give that back to a couple.  I would look at wedding phtography every day.  Now, I admire baby and family photography of course as well.

I guess what I am looking for, if I have to work, is something that offers some kind of meaning to me.  A passion.  Yes, I help people, yes, people are grateful, yes, I feel happiness in helping people, in offering patience and reserve where there is none on the other end.  But, am I replaceable. Absolutely. If I weren't here, someone else would be, and could they do my position just as well, absolutely.  I don't want to be replaceable.  Moms are not replaceable, not to their children. Yes, I want to be a SAHM. Nothing could be more rewarding and more fulfilling to me than that. Than raising a family, living off the land. Whatever I'm searching for, my life's purpose, it is not within these walls.  And, I will not settle for the few hours outside of work as representing my life.  I want it all to mean something, I want it all to be my life's purpose.  I don't what that is. I don't know if I'll find it once I become a SAHM. And, I WILL become a SAHM.  Maybe I'll find it multiple places. But, so far the only thing I have found that passion, that happiness and peace is through Nikolina. 

I don't want to look back on my life and regret.  If I were to pass tomorrow, I honestly can't say that I would feel as though my life were fulfilled. I wouldn't feel as though I did everything I wanted to do. I wouldn't feel as though I'd found my place.  There is nothing in my current position that I would want to define me, that could define me.  I want my life to be about so much more than what is within these walls.  Nikolina is the only place I have found myself, and creatively through photographing her. When I photograph her, and I get that one shot that's worth it, it's the only thing that lights up my soul, that makes my soul soar.  It's the only thing that I get really excited about. The only thing I'm passionate about. Would I love to be a photographer, maybe, I'm still undecided about that. I just know, outisde of Nikolina, it's the only thing that makes me feel alive, and the only thing that I feel passionate about besides being a mother. The only thing that I feel pride over, the one thing besides Nikolina that I would want to define me, other than being an Aunt and a Mother.

What are you passionate about? 
What is your dream? 
What defines you?  What do you want to define you?
What is the one thing you would want others to remember about you? 
What is your dream career?  Are you living it?

Do you know the answers to these questions?  I want to know.  Tell me.

As I try to find myself, I think it is a lifelong path that I will have to discover along the way, I am curious as to what brings others happiness, fulfillment, and peace.

Love to all,