Wednesday, December 30, 2009

First Noel.

Nik admiring her First Christmas Tree (outside my belly, of course)!

Nik playing with the tree/ornament for the first time with all the ornaments trimmed on the tree.

An ornament my mother (mimi) gave the pumpkin for her first Christmas.

How much do you love taking pictures of ornaments on Christmas Trees??!!
I love this ornament! It's a large bell that has a bird atop it, one of my favs!

Another one of Josh's ornaments, and the reason for the Season!
An ornament stocking from Josh's first Christmas.
One of the ornaments that Josh's mother gave to us (she gave me a box of Josh's ornaments when we were married). I love to adorn our tree with his ornaments from his childhood!
An ornament that our Niece, Lydia, gave us the first year we were engaged, it is one of my absolute favorite ornaments! It is very special and significant to me, us.
In lieu of a Star or an Angel (as I have not come across either one that I find suitable to adorn our tree, we have a Fairy/Angel)

Tuesday, December 29, 2009


Are you one of those people who looks back on the choices they have made and wouldn't do one thing different. I use to struggle with this, and there was a time in my life, when I use to say "if only" or "I wish" or "If I could just go back and do this differently." Then, I went through a period of self-acceptance and realized that every step that we take, every choice, whether you can clearly define that that step or choice had a purpose, or not, you could at least say that it made you who you are today, and if you have accepted yourself, and love yourself, you can proudly say that you wouldn't change one thing about your past, or hence yourself. Up until I started work again and sent Nik off to daycare when she was merely 12 weeks old, I think I could safely say, I didn't regret one thing about my life, not one thing, even the difficult times, the choices that one may say were the "un-worn path" or shall I say "untraveled", the round-about path, were not a regret to me. Until my choices affected someone else, did I see them as a "bad choice" or "the wrong choice." That's the thing about Motherhood and Parenthood is the delicacy and fragility of the life that you hold in your hands, the innocence. You shape this life. Your choices, your decisions, your actions, your paths, are not just affecting you now, now they affect the new life of your innocent child. Enter Regret. The number one and only regret I have: not being in a position that allowed me to stay home and raise my daughter. And, I can't beat myself up enough about it. The choices that I made in my innocence, in my naive, selfish youth have put me smack dab in the middle of this dilemma/circumstance that I'm in now, which puts my daughter in the hands of someone other than me, other than family, in a place other than her home, other than a life that I carved out, so desperately wanted to create for her. And how it affects her future is my bearing. How it shapes and molds her is my surmise. My baby, if I could go back now, and know of you, know of the love I would feel for you, know of the experience, the life of your love, I would change it. I would finish high school, I would finish college, and I would prepare financially for you, so that everyday, every morning, you would wake, leisurely and we would play all day, growing in love and life. I would have the time to show you the little things that go un-noticed in the hustle and bustle of a busy work day. I wouldn't be flying out the door, with you hanging by my hip, loaded down with bags packed to try and create a home away from home, I wouldn't rush home everyday to cram 9 hours of my love and the life I want to show you into 1 hour with you. And, all the wrongs would be righted. I wouldn't look at you with strangers eyes when I pick you up everyday. I wouldn't wonder what your days were like. Mostly, I wouldn't look back years from now, when you ask me to tell you what the first year of your life was like, and say, "I'm sorry, Baby, I just don't know."

But, this is my legacy, mine to bear for for years and years to come:regret. I can only pray that my mistakes have no long lasting negative affect on Nikolina. That would be my wish for her(after good health and happiness, of course):to enter into a life, un-inhibited, un-tarnished by someone else's mistakes, namely, by me, her mother-the one person that should be helping her, not hurting her.

Happy 9 Month Little Pumpkin!! We love you! You are getting so big, so fast, we are so proud of you and all that you have accomplished so far. We cannot wait for each new step that you are taking towards becoming your own little talking, mobile, independant, person!

Monday, December 28, 2009

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Baby's 1st Christmas!

A couple weeks ago, after seeing the commercial, I went into a nearby Hallmark store to grab a pair of these precious booties for Nikolina for her first Christmas, and the salesperson sadly informed me that they were all out, and she was, if I do say so, very un-accomidating in helping me to locate a pair at another store. She stated that she would check with the another store in a different town, but that was all she could do, everyone was very busy she stated. Well, needless to say, that store was out too. I thought maybe, it was not meant to be, so, I kind of lost track of my mission. And after receiving a check from both Nikolina's great grandmothers, I decided that I could splurge and purchase the precious booties for our pumpkin, as this is her first and only Christmas. So, I looked online, and they didn't offer them for purchase online, only in the stores. So, I called Customer Service and asked her if there was any way I could get a hold of a pair of these booties (there must be a box of them in a warehouse somewhere, I was determined, to be the best Baby's 1st Christmas Mom ever and get a pair of these infamous booties!) She ended up being very little help as well. So, I just started calling stores. And then, while speaking with a salesperson, I could hear the flex in her voice when I described them, and I dared to hope that she held a pair of these precious infamous booties in her bare hands, and she stated that, "Yes, she had but one pair left"(we make our own destiny, Ha!) She stated that they had sold out, but a woman who had received two pairs, returned a pair. I begged her to ship them to me, as she stated that they don't normally do that, she spoke with her manager and agreed to ship them to me. I vowed to pay any shipping to get them here. I asked her to wrap them in about a roll of bubble wrap, as my heart would stop, if upon receiving them, I were to open the box, only to discover that they had been broken in transit. She promised. So, very shortly, Nikolina will receive her Baby's 1st Christmas Ceramic Booties Ornament for her to have when she is older and adorns her very ow tree. Thank goodness for Christmas miracles! Thank you to that gernerous, kind mommy who retuned her extra pair so that another mommy/baby may share in this very special Christmas tradition. Now, I want to dip them in bronze, just so they dont; break, but aren't they bootiful!!