Tuesday, December 29, 2009


Are you one of those people who looks back on the choices they have made and wouldn't do one thing different. I use to struggle with this, and there was a time in my life, when I use to say "if only" or "I wish" or "If I could just go back and do this differently." Then, I went through a period of self-acceptance and realized that every step that we take, every choice, whether you can clearly define that that step or choice had a purpose, or not, you could at least say that it made you who you are today, and if you have accepted yourself, and love yourself, you can proudly say that you wouldn't change one thing about your past, or hence yourself. Up until I started work again and sent Nik off to daycare when she was merely 12 weeks old, I think I could safely say, I didn't regret one thing about my life, not one thing, even the difficult times, the choices that one may say were the "un-worn path" or shall I say "untraveled", the round-about path, were not a regret to me. Until my choices affected someone else, did I see them as a "bad choice" or "the wrong choice." That's the thing about Motherhood and Parenthood is the delicacy and fragility of the life that you hold in your hands, the innocence. You shape this life. Your choices, your decisions, your actions, your paths, are not just affecting you now, now they affect the new life of your innocent child. Enter Regret. The number one and only regret I have: not being in a position that allowed me to stay home and raise my daughter. And, I can't beat myself up enough about it. The choices that I made in my innocence, in my naive, selfish youth have put me smack dab in the middle of this dilemma/circumstance that I'm in now, which puts my daughter in the hands of someone other than me, other than family, in a place other than her home, other than a life that I carved out, so desperately wanted to create for her. And how it affects her future is my bearing. How it shapes and molds her is my surmise. My baby, if I could go back now, and know of you, know of the love I would feel for you, know of the experience, the life of your love, I would change it. I would finish high school, I would finish college, and I would prepare financially for you, so that everyday, every morning, you would wake, leisurely and we would play all day, growing in love and life. I would have the time to show you the little things that go un-noticed in the hustle and bustle of a busy work day. I wouldn't be flying out the door, with you hanging by my hip, loaded down with bags packed to try and create a home away from home, I wouldn't rush home everyday to cram 9 hours of my love and the life I want to show you into 1 hour with you. And, all the wrongs would be righted. I wouldn't look at you with strangers eyes when I pick you up everyday. I wouldn't wonder what your days were like. Mostly, I wouldn't look back years from now, when you ask me to tell you what the first year of your life was like, and say, "I'm sorry, Baby, I just don't know."

But, this is my legacy, mine to bear for for years and years to come:regret. I can only pray that my mistakes have no long lasting negative affect on Nikolina. That would be my wish for her(after good health and happiness, of course):to enter into a life, un-inhibited, un-tarnished by someone else's mistakes, namely, by me, her mother-the one person that should be helping her, not hurting her.

Happy 9 Month Little Pumpkin!! We love you! You are getting so big, so fast, we are so proud of you and all that you have accomplished so far. We cannot wait for each new step that you are taking towards becoming your own little talking, mobile, independant, person!

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