I'm embarrassed even now to write this as it has been so long since I posted, and I have to apologize, and admit that I have missed writing and you, my friends, dearly.
I lost a piece of myself when our computer broke, and I could no longer upload photos to share with you all and to treasure and explore for myself. So much so, that I stopped picking up my camera. Staring at it sitting there gathtering dust, un-used, un-explored, un-challenged, lonely, sad, empty, well that's kind of how I have felt too.
Work has taken so much joy from me, so much life I have felt ebb away, missing out on my daughter's precious moments of youth and exploration and shared love, that I am having a hard time finding myself again.
Work has been insane, with no spare moment to re-group and find myself. This pregnancy has taken a lot out of me physically, finding only enough energy to take care of Nikolina and put some kind of dinner on the table. And, the bitter cold of winter with endless snow and ice, and sunless days has done nothing to restore that energy.
Only recenlty have I found the a new found strength to actually finish our laundry that has piled up for weeks, and manage to clean the house and do the dishes. I have finally managed to keep the house clean for two weeks now, staying up till 2 am several nights.
And, the hubs and I have gone back and forth on the bills, our debts, and the budget, which has taken any emotional and mental strength I have had left. It seems like everytime we get back on our feet, the rug is pulled out from underneath us, whether from our indirect doing, or by what can only be deemed dumb luck.
I am determined to stay at home with our new child and with Nikolina. And, I cannot rest until the day we make that dream a reality. I am learning to shop generic, and tell myself I don't need that ice cream, or that unnecessary treat at the store. That stop at the vending machine or the Corporate Cafe could mean not staying home with my child. And, I am learning to do without so that I may be able to watch my children grow.
The other day, just when I thought that I couldn't bear to step outise until the bitter freezing cold and wind to walk the icy, snowy parking lot the length to my car at the end of the work day....I was driving to get Nikolina from daycare and realized that it was 4:50 pm and still sunny. Through the drab winter, there the sun shone, like a beacon of hope, a ray of light in a cloud of darkness. A promise of warmer weather, of lazy days in the grass, spring flowers, bubbles and walks to the park, and beautiful photos. And, my spirit was lifted.
I've been forced to set photography on the back burner. Most people would see these struggles as a challenge and for so long I did. For so long, I promised myself I would not give up on my dreams, my passion, on the art and light I found through photography. But, I gave in, as I do when excessive "no's" and "you can'ts" were thrown at me. So many times I have entered giveaways daily, workshops opportunities, membership promotions, raffles in the hopes of getting a leg up. I even wrote a 6 page letter to a radio station during a make-a-wish promotion that went unanswered.
I have not given up on my goal and my dreams to conquer photography, but until we have the means to further my dreams, I have to wait patiently on this passion that is bursting inside of me, begging to be explored.
A new change at work on our computers, has eliminated accessibility to some of the sites that I searched during the day in my free time to inspire me artistically and through communities, and even here with all of you. I never blogged much at work, but I can't, now even pull up my url any longer.
I'm not here to say, "I'm Back." Because more than likely, I'm not, but I am trying. I am searching for that person within me that is trying to get back to all of you, trying to find the strength, energy, and the motivation.
Relishing in those little things that bring me so much joy:
Seeing Nikolina's face when I pick her up from daycare for the day
Watching the clock on my phone at work hit 4:30 pm
Watching Nikolina with her Baby and knowing what an amazing Big Sister she will be
Hearing her say "Ma Ma" or "Mommy"
Seeing her first thing in the Morning, after naptime, and last thing at night
Watching her learn
Hugs, snuggles, and kisses
Her joy and excitement at building a snowman in our front yard
Nikolina "cooking" with me
How she likes to play "hide and seek" and to "hide"
Laying my head on my pillow at night
A hot shower
A Chocolate Chip Cookie
Ruffles on clothes
Sleeves that cover your hands with thumb holes
Hearing Nik say "Frosty" which sounds like "Frothy"
Hearing her say "Cruella" which sounds like "Ka lel a"
Hearing her say "I don't know" and put her hands up in a mock gesture
Hearing her say "I did it," "Mommy, I did it"
Hearing her say "Oh Man" or "No Way"
Hearing all the new words she learns every day
How she always steals your spot, on purpose
How she lives to jump on the Bed and "Fall down"
Reading to her
Watching her do everything with her baby, I do with her
How she wants to put colored sprinkles on EVERYTHING
Feeling the baby move/kick
Watching my jeans become too tight to zip or button
Dreaming of a Nursery
Dreaming of an Immaculate house, and an endless amount of time to clean it in
Dreaming of the time to be the organized person that I am
Dreaming of a computer and Photoshop, a workshop, and all the photo books I can find
And, dreaming of staying at home with my children.
Love to all XOXO