Tuesday, January 26, 2010
This morning when I dropped her off at Daycare, she didn't want to go to our Daycare provider, and then when I handed her over again, she reluctatnly went, but then started crying. Her little eyes just looked back at me, all welled up with tears, as her little face got all pink. My heart just dropped. I mean, I am not seriously trying to drive you all crazy, but I am just at a loss as to what to do with this. She's never done this before, except that she will also not comfortably go to the other daycare worker, but this has never happened with our primary care provider. I have begun to think that maybe there is something that is not right with our situation and I think that I have got to start looking elsewhere for another provider.
I have been saying this for sometime now, but out of convienence and justification that my reluctance was rooted in motherly ridiculousness, I have chosen to stay with our nanny. But now, I just don't know. This does not seem right. I mean how do you know what kind of care your little one is receiving? There's just no way to know FOR SURE. I mean, no one is YOU. No one will ever be what YOU would be to your little one, I know that. I know that a lot of times, my ticks are just biased and flippant because I am not the one raising her, but really, how do you know what goes on over there? The not knowing just kills me. I mean, I don't want to say this, but I almost wish I had like a Nanny Cam Bear or something. But, I'm afraid I wouldn't like what I see, which is probably a good sign that it's time for a change. I just am reluctant to make it for some reason. So, am I ridiculous, or what? I just don't know what to do with her/this situation. She's so back and forth. I mean I know she'd rather be at home.
Our provider looks after a lot of children, most of them are older, as they shuttle school age children back and forth to school. Maybe she's not getting enough attention. maybe there's too much goign on over there. Maybe she's getting yelled at. Maybe she's just being a 9 month old. But, it's getting harder, I swear, for both of us. We've been taking her to daycare since she was 12 weeks old. Is it just me, or her getting older, or maybe somethings changed over there that would cause all this to suddenly seem like it was spiraling out of control. Maybe my desire to stay home is growing stronger and I am just reaching, or maybe Nik is getting bigger and she's getting less attention.
I have read that you are supposed to remain indifferent and realxed and not show your little one any anxiety over dropping him/her off at daycare. You are supposed to keep it light, and not linger. And, I do that. So, I just don't know what to do. She's becoming such a little person now, so aware. Which is worse, because now she knows what she wants, and she can tell you. And, daycare is not where she wants to be. I am grasping for some answers, for some resolve to get through this, and I just hope that something comes to me. I just want every one of her days, every one of her moments to be like this: