While celebrating the Super Bowl with family tonight, Nik laughed and played, screamed and shouted, jumped and danced, giggled and whispered secrets. As I watched her run off down the hallway with one of her cousins, I heard her little sweet, sing songy toddler voice say, "Come on, let's hold hands," and reach out for her cousins hand to place in hers. And, I realized that I never wanted to forget her like this: so sweet, so pure, so innocent, so uninhibited;so unaffected by the world.
And, I just hope that she remains that way. Heaven help the person that trys to take that from her. I just pray that I don't ever do anything myself to take any of that glistening hope And innocence away from her. Some days she pushes me to my limits, and I am the first to admit, I am not a patient person. I wish I was. I feel as though God gave me children so that I may learn patience, but it is not an easy task for me. Very often, I find myself silently, and aloud sometimes, "God, grant me patience." I want so much to be that guiding strength for her, to be her Rock.
Having children has taught me so much about the kind of mother I want to be to my children, and the kind of mother I know I don't want to be. Everyday I am ever aware of how my words and actions are affecting her and shaping her life. You catch yourself, and wonder what is the right way to approach this situation, what are the right words, the proper explanation; what is the lesson to be learned? Children are walking reflections of our words and actions. Some days I feel like a puppeteer. I hold the strings, and which way I pull them, inexplicably, I know that I determine the course of action and sequence. It's a terrifying realization that we hold so much power. There are some days, I'm terrified that I do. And there are days, I wish I had pulled them in a different direction.
But, I know that each day brings a new opportunity to start fresh, and I am grateful for each day that I have with them. I feel as though, with each new day, I have a little more patience, a little more insight, a little more love to give. And, I know each day I love a little more, each day I carve out a little more time, that there are that many more giggles, that many more cuddles, that many more snuggles, and that many more, "I love you, moms'." And those are the moments that make it up a life.