Monday, September 28, 2009

Where'd you go???

Sometimes, I wonder what Nikolina thinks when I drop her off at daycare to go to work. Mondays are usually the worst, unbearable is probably the word. Does she think, "hey, where are you going, why are you leaving me, I thought we had a good time over the weekend?" Does she keep thinking any minute I will come back around the corner and smother her in kisses, blow raspberries, and make silly faces at her? Do the hours just drag on for her, waiting, expecting me? I know they do for me. Every moment I wish that I could be with her. I'd give anything to be with her. I tell Josh all the time that I wish we lived in a little one room apartment, or flat and shared my little Corolla, if it meant that I could be with her. To me, that is where I would be, if it means staying home with nik. If it means she gets that many more hugs, kisses, smiles, funny faces. One more shriek of happiness, one more squeal of delight. If it means she learns that much more, makes one more small developmental move, has one more glimpse of family, one more taste of life that I would show to her. One more "I Love You, one more touch, one more step to happiness and fulfillment. One more chance to grow as family.

I talked with someone today, whose husband stays at home, and she goes to work. they chose that path. I thought that was wonderful, and really great for them, and I was glad that their path worked well for their family. I told her I think it's great that her children are with their dad. I found her inspiring that she chose that path, sought that path, and I admire her desire to succeed for her family.

When I was little, I used to play "corporation" and I was the owner and manager of a large corporation. There were many other things I played:restaurant, hotel, shop owner, school, lawyer to name a few. But, I always thought that I would own my own company and be the "boss." Along the way, I made some choices that steered me down another path. But, I think I always aspired to be great. To make a name for myself. I enjoy work, and receive satisfaction from a good days work, and bringing home a paycheck. I enjoy working with colleagues, and interacting with customers. I have even introduced a proposal for a program for 'new and expecting mothers' to help guide them through pregnancy in the workplace and life as a working, 'pumping' mother. And, I have been allowed to put together a program to educate new and expecting mothers. This has given me some purpose in my current career, outside of working to help support my family. But, at the end of the day, what I aspire to be, to truly be, is a MOM. The absolute Best Mom I can be. A wholly, completely, fully, devoted Mom. I don't want to be a split-mom. I don't want to give half of myself to my career and half to my daughter. I want to give all of myself to one thing, and that to me, is being a Mom.

To me, nothing could be better, or more pure, more simple, more natural than a MOM.

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