My mother had Monday off (in addition to Thursday when she regularly watches Nik), and she called me to tell me she wanted to watch Nik. My mother still works full time at 63, she'll be 64 this year. She has been working more than my father this past year. My father owned an excavating business and when building and construction slowed, or rather stopped, do to the economy, he has found himself with less and less work, and has now handed the business over to my uncle and is now working for the city. They moved retirement to 67, so my mother still has three more year before she can retire.
My heart goes out to my mother. She works holidays and weekends, and she is physically exhausted at the end of the day, working on her feet all day as a retail salesperson. She misses out all the time on special events, family time, and special occasions because she cannot take off work. When Nik was born, she offered to use one of her two days off to watch her every week. And this has helped us out tremendously financially and me (sanity wise). It's the only day that I don't worry about Nik, and usually the only day that I don't belittle and berate myself for not being able to stay at home with my children. The other day she gets off during the week varies, sometimes it's a Sunday, sometimes another day during the week. During the holidays, she only gets one day off a week.
The fact that she offers to watch Nik on her days off just warms my heart in a way that I can not describe. At her age, with the demands of her job, and knowing she has no other time for herself or to clean or run errands, she uses this only time to watch Nik. We pay our sitter for 4 days, so any days beyond Thursday that Nik is not there, we are obligated to pay regardless. But, knowing that it brings her so joy to watch her, and fills her life brings me such pride in knowing she is my mother. Knowing she wants to watch her more than take that time for herself and wants to watch her other than when it is simply convienent for her just reminds me of what a giving, generous person she is, and I can only think what a wonderful mother she must have been to me when I was too young to really remember or be aware.
I hope one day, I am that giving and that generous to my grandchildren, and that I am able to be half the grandmother, or rather, "mimi" she has been to Nik, and will be to our future children.
I called my mother on my lunch break just to check in, and was expecting my mom to tell me Nik was asleep. as she usually does. It took till just about the last ring for someone to answer, and I hear, "Hi Mom." The voice sounded so casual, so confidant, so matter of point, and with a distinct tone, that I thought for a moment it must be my mom mocking my call. It almost sounded like my 6 year old niece which I knew couldn't be possible as she lives in Orland Park. After a few moments, I realized, or was it because she then said, "Hi Mommy" that I realized the voice belonged to Nik. I have never heard her call me "Mom" and she sounded so grown up, so old, like she was 13 years old. I think my heart dropped in my chest at this realization, bc I am not ready for her to get so big so fast. Of course, I LOVE watching her learn new things, explore new things, take new steps, as she grows and becomes her own individual, but she will always be my baby, even when the new baby comes. I think I will just start saying, "My babies."
Then the proceeding coversation resulted in a lot more of, "Hi Mommy" (ies) and I could hear in her voice that she wanted to see me instead of just talk to me, and it was heart breaking to hear. I don't think I will be calling home to speak to her anymore. It was heartbreaking to me to continue the coversation as she just kept saying, "Mommy, Mommy," and I knew she wanted to see me. I tried to ask her specific questions questions but it ended up as more that she just wanted to call for me instead of answer them. My mother also said that when they said to say "good bye" and I said "good bye" and hung up, that big crocodile tears and crying resulted.
She has become more attached to me as we head into the two's and I can't help but wish that time would just speed up so I can be home with her permanantly. Knowing it's so close, and not yet here, is agonizing. And yet, I want to treasure this time between just the two of us. It breaks my heart to leave her everyday, and I want to be with her every moment when we are together, which seems impossible.
But that, "Hi Mom" keeps echoing in my mind, and reminding me that our little pumpkin is getting bigger, growing up, and I am unable to slow time down, and left to just try and embrace every moment of it.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
2.
I hope to upload some photos from the Pumpkin's 2nd Birthday soon. Our French Poodle Hot Pink/Zebra themed party.
I can't believe our little pumpkin is 2.
I must say I was not too happy with the photos I took on her birthday. And, this frustrated me. I have just been really off with photography lately, and I'm not sure why. Maybe my frustrations at not having a working computer to upload photos to, or not being able to go where I want to go with photography. Maybe it's not having the energy to and time to put what I need to into my photography. And the two times I tried to get photos with the pumpkin, she was chasing her cousin around, and I couldn't get her to sit still with me. She had a great birthday though, and I can finally get some sleep now hopefully. Except, I do have to move on to the Nursery now that I am finished with the hubs birthday and her big 2nd Birthday celebration.
Next is my birthday, but that is not until Easter Sunday, and thankfully, I will be in Chicago with my family, and hopefully won't have to worry about entertaining or cleaning. I am kind of excited that my birthday falls on Easter this year, kind of something fun, unique and different.
Nik ended up having two birthday parties (one on her actual birthday wth family & then her Big 2nd Birthday party with friends and family) and we took Mother/Daughter Maternity photos the same week with my sister-in-law. It has been a crazy week. 48 Barefoot Contessa coconut cream cheese cucakes, 4 dozen iced "bones" and "high heels" scratch sugar cookies, oreo balls, Pink Poodle cupcakes that got nixed in the final stages because I couldn't find pink Circus peanuts anywhere but online, appetizers, pasta salads, tea sandwhiches, party planning and a near disaster with the Oopsy Daisy skirt and Rosette Tank. Grocery shopping, more grocery shopping, and more grocery shopping. Cleaning, cleaning, and more cleaning. I am exhausted, but I have been so hyped up the last few weeks, I feel like I still can't sit still. After staying up nights till12:30, 3:30, 5:30 am, and then all night the night before her actual birthday, after the party, I still found myself cleaning everything up, and passing out on my parents couch at 11:30 pm.
It's getting closer to the due date, and I can't help but wonder where the time went. We waited so late to tell everyone, and I have been so busy with work, taking care of NIk, holidays, showers, and birthdays, that I can barely believe we only have 2 1/2 months left (10 weeks Thursday). I find myself trying to mentally slow time down. I am so excited to welcome this new little pupmkin, but worried about my little pumpkin at home. I so want to treasure these last weeks I have her all to myself, hoping that she welcomes this new little brother or sister with a welcome and open heart. She does love her Mommy time. I just want to be able to give them both the time and lvoe they deserve and not feel completely overwhelmed.
Talking with my mother yesterday, I mentioned to her that when she passes there are a few things that I want for myself and my family, but mainly everything else I am more than happy to share with my family and extended family. Family photographs was one that was very important to me. I hope to line my future homes with loads of antique, old fashioned, photography of my parents family and of my own family. The other thing I mentioned to her was my Grandfather's antique cameras. I didn't know this until recently, but my mother's father loved photography and when he died it was very important to my mother to keep his cameras and a bulk of their family photographs. My mother told me how she was heatbroken bc one of his cameras she believes was accidently thrown out. I can't help wondering which camera it was, what it looked like, if I could have somehow located someone to restore it, and can't help but carry that loss as well. A piece of my Grandfather and what was was important to him gone forever; something that is just as important to me, a newfound shared passion with the Grandfather I never met, who died shortly before my mother was married to my father.
I found myself wondering about him and his passion, his interest in photography, and wondered if he didn't somehow pass that passion and love and desire through to me. To carry on his legacy and create these memories for our families and generations to come, and I found myself getting teary eyed over it. I found myself wishing I had had the opportunity to meet him and learn about his passion and love of photography, to have him teach me about life as Grandfathers do. A desire to pour out my ideas and thoughts about photography and to hear his own, and share that passion with him, and learn through him. And, a yearning desire to finish his legacy and honor him and my own family through my own pursuit of photography. I hope to make him proud one day and honor his passion through my own shared passion, love, and photgraphy.
I found myself hoping and praying that Nikolina and our children will have many, many years with their Grandfathers to share that special bond that only Grandfathers and grand children do. Having never met my mothers father, and losing my dad's father when I was 10, I am thankful for the memories that I do have of my father's father, and hope that Nikolina will have that too with her grandfathers.
XOXO
I can't believe our little pumpkin is 2.
I must say I was not too happy with the photos I took on her birthday. And, this frustrated me. I have just been really off with photography lately, and I'm not sure why. Maybe my frustrations at not having a working computer to upload photos to, or not being able to go where I want to go with photography. Maybe it's not having the energy to and time to put what I need to into my photography. And the two times I tried to get photos with the pumpkin, she was chasing her cousin around, and I couldn't get her to sit still with me. She had a great birthday though, and I can finally get some sleep now hopefully. Except, I do have to move on to the Nursery now that I am finished with the hubs birthday and her big 2nd Birthday celebration.
Next is my birthday, but that is not until Easter Sunday, and thankfully, I will be in Chicago with my family, and hopefully won't have to worry about entertaining or cleaning. I am kind of excited that my birthday falls on Easter this year, kind of something fun, unique and different.
Nik ended up having two birthday parties (one on her actual birthday wth family & then her Big 2nd Birthday party with friends and family) and we took Mother/Daughter Maternity photos the same week with my sister-in-law. It has been a crazy week. 48 Barefoot Contessa coconut cream cheese cucakes, 4 dozen iced "bones" and "high heels" scratch sugar cookies, oreo balls, Pink Poodle cupcakes that got nixed in the final stages because I couldn't find pink Circus peanuts anywhere but online, appetizers, pasta salads, tea sandwhiches, party planning and a near disaster with the Oopsy Daisy skirt and Rosette Tank. Grocery shopping, more grocery shopping, and more grocery shopping. Cleaning, cleaning, and more cleaning. I am exhausted, but I have been so hyped up the last few weeks, I feel like I still can't sit still. After staying up nights till12:30, 3:30, 5:30 am, and then all night the night before her actual birthday, after the party, I still found myself cleaning everything up, and passing out on my parents couch at 11:30 pm.
It's getting closer to the due date, and I can't help but wonder where the time went. We waited so late to tell everyone, and I have been so busy with work, taking care of NIk, holidays, showers, and birthdays, that I can barely believe we only have 2 1/2 months left (10 weeks Thursday). I find myself trying to mentally slow time down. I am so excited to welcome this new little pupmkin, but worried about my little pumpkin at home. I so want to treasure these last weeks I have her all to myself, hoping that she welcomes this new little brother or sister with a welcome and open heart. She does love her Mommy time. I just want to be able to give them both the time and lvoe they deserve and not feel completely overwhelmed.
Talking with my mother yesterday, I mentioned to her that when she passes there are a few things that I want for myself and my family, but mainly everything else I am more than happy to share with my family and extended family. Family photographs was one that was very important to me. I hope to line my future homes with loads of antique, old fashioned, photography of my parents family and of my own family. The other thing I mentioned to her was my Grandfather's antique cameras. I didn't know this until recently, but my mother's father loved photography and when he died it was very important to my mother to keep his cameras and a bulk of their family photographs. My mother told me how she was heatbroken bc one of his cameras she believes was accidently thrown out. I can't help wondering which camera it was, what it looked like, if I could have somehow located someone to restore it, and can't help but carry that loss as well. A piece of my Grandfather and what was was important to him gone forever; something that is just as important to me, a newfound shared passion with the Grandfather I never met, who died shortly before my mother was married to my father.
I found myself wondering about him and his passion, his interest in photography, and wondered if he didn't somehow pass that passion and love and desire through to me. To carry on his legacy and create these memories for our families and generations to come, and I found myself getting teary eyed over it. I found myself wishing I had had the opportunity to meet him and learn about his passion and love of photography, to have him teach me about life as Grandfathers do. A desire to pour out my ideas and thoughts about photography and to hear his own, and share that passion with him, and learn through him. And, a yearning desire to finish his legacy and honor him and my own family through my own pursuit of photography. I hope to make him proud one day and honor his passion through my own shared passion, love, and photgraphy.
I found myself hoping and praying that Nikolina and our children will have many, many years with their Grandfathers to share that special bond that only Grandfathers and grand children do. Having never met my mothers father, and losing my dad's father when I was 10, I am thankful for the memories that I do have of my father's father, and hope that Nikolina will have that too with her grandfathers.
XOXO
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Be Not Afraid...
This happened upon me today...
Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still.
~Chinese Proverb
I also have seen it read this way...
I'm not sure which way is correct, but I like it both ways. The first thing I thought of was my setbacks, or shall I say my "challenges" with pursuing photography. And it inspired me to not feel as discouraged about my current position, and having to hold off on pursuing photography on the level I am desiring. Going slowly or Growing slowly is better than not all. I think I may hang it where I can see it and be reminded everyday. My desk, our fridge, our office, our bedroom, our bathroom, Nik's room, etc.
Hope it inspired your life in some way(s) as it has inspired mine.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Happy Birthday.
Happy Birthday to my husband who turns 31 today. And what a Beautiful day for his Birthday. Gorgeous. Couldn't have asked for a more perfect Spring day compared to the weather we have been having lately. He requested Chicken + Noodles. He wanted hand rolled noodles, but I told him a working expecting mama does not have time for hand rolled noodles like Grandma used to make. I have been taking off work just to clean in order to have people over to the house. And to grocery shop and make the dinner and dessert. I have a day and half of vaction left till next June. I hope I make it till then, ha. I have to use my vacation when Nik is sick, and thus those days become my vacation. I stayed up till 4:30 am last night, and made it till about 8pm today, and then the tiredness hit me.
I love to plan parties and entertain family and friends though. Love it! And I LOVE having a clean house. I hope I can maintain it this way till Nik's Birthday party, or else I'll be doing this all over again. I get so giddy having a clean house.
I am so excited for her 2nd Birthday, wait till you see what I have planned. A French Poodle Party, and if I can pull it off, I will feel a huge relief when it's all over. I'm also excited for my niece Bella's 1st Birthday party this weekend! I miss my brother, sister-in-law ans nieces terribly since we live about two hours away. And I know Nik wil have a blast at the party. She had so much fun with her triplet cousins at Daddy's party tonight.
I love to plan parties and entertain family and friends though. Love it! And I LOVE having a clean house. I hope I can maintain it this way till Nik's Birthday party, or else I'll be doing this all over again. I get so giddy having a clean house.
I am so excited for her 2nd Birthday, wait till you see what I have planned. A French Poodle Party, and if I can pull it off, I will feel a huge relief when it's all over. I'm also excited for my niece Bella's 1st Birthday party this weekend! I miss my brother, sister-in-law ans nieces terribly since we live about two hours away. And I know Nik wil have a blast at the party. She had so much fun with her triplet cousins at Daddy's party tonight.
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