Wordless Wednesday.

IHeartFaces-Pink

I love IHeartFaces, and I peruse their website daily. I have never entered a photo because, I always figured that I would wait until I learned Photoshop and honed my Photography.  But, after reading more on their website about their weekly posts and visiting other entries, I have come to appreciate that it's not just about having a winning photo, it's about sharing with others your love of photography and your love of the subject of the entry, not simply winning.

I have come across professional photographers entries sharing client work that I was awestruck by all the way to the housemom with a point and shoot that just wanted to share that special moment they captured of their little pumpkin.  I have been wanting to enter lately, and wanting to share a recent pic of Nik, and today I was finally able to. I am really excited to see everyone else's entries. They are all so unique and interesting. There are a lot this week. It's a great post week, everyone showing their support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month AND their LOVE of Pink!

Coming into Reality.

It has been so long since I have shared a picture of the pumpkin with any of you, and my heart is so sad. I don't know when hubs will let me use the computer again, after the Virus meltdown, or if the pictures are fully backed up. I have yet to see them, but hubs says they are backed up to a website, or at least the codes for the photographs are, whether they means the photos can actually be accessed, I have no clue, ha ha.

But, today, I am going to try an upload some photos of the pumpkin to my parents computer to share with you because to be honest, I am starting to become really sad that I can't share them with you. I feel empty at that realization and fact.  I have always known how sharing photos of Nik uplifted my day when I went back and looked at them throughout the day, but I never realized, till now, how much it meant to me to share them and how much of a part of who I am was connected to those photographs.

I was never really an artist. I was pretty good at studies when I applied myself. When I applied myself, worked hard, and did well, I was always proud of myself.  I wasn't really into sports as a young adult. Cheerleading and dance was something I was always proud to define me, and something I was passionate about. Writing was a passionate outlet for me, somewhere I could be proud, shine.  An eating disorder defined me for too many years.  I have let realtionships define me.  I guess I haven't had anything that really defined me, or something I was passionate about in a few years other than being engaged, getting married, then a wife, then a mother.  And, I have been proud to let those things define me.  Getting engaged, married, and becoming a mother have been the MOST AMAZING things to have ever happened to me in my life. 

That's changed with photography. Photography, somewhere, surprisingly has begun to define me without my knowing. And, it's something I admit that I am welcoming to define me.  I don't have, well a usable computer right now, I don't have photoshop. I don't have a lot of camera equiptment, or even any photography books. These are all things that I can only dream of right now. Goals that I have to place in the unknown future.  I think if I had these things I probably wouldn't ever sleep. I'd probably stay up all night editing photos, working my craft. And, I think that I would LOVE that.

The other night, hubs for fun, uploaded a photo I took onto his work computer. A photo I shot in raw. Basically, we don't own a computer that can handle raw files.  I just look forward to uploading a jpeg file at this point, ha!  He used something called GIMP to edit the photo, which is like Photoshop. Before my eyes, I watched the most beautiful, amazing thing happen. To me, I would say Really great photography is 51 percent camera equiptment/computer software and 49 percent technique and talent. Those percentages may change in my eyes as I hopefully master my craft, but you would not believe the amazing things you can do with this photography software/templates.

Basically, I think my heart wept or sang, maybe a combination of both at the same time. And that sounds silly to say aloud, but I discovered a world that I could only dream of. A world that was so beautiful to me. To watch a photograph been transformed like that is something I can't even describe to you in words, but something you have to see with your eyes. It truly is an artform, and I have never wanted to master anything so much in my life.  I have never wanted to be a part of something so much in my life. 

When I look at photography I get knots in my stomach. Dinosaur sized butterflies in my stomach. Nothing makes me more excited, more giddy than to take photographs, to nail that perfect shot, and then to see it transformed on software. The photograph comes alive, and speaks to you, and I have never experienced anything like it. Truly, that moment was a defining moment for me in my life.  And, lets be honest, how many of those do you get in a lifetime.

I don't know when or if I will ever have the capabilities to work with raw files and photoshop on quality software or when I'll be able to upgrade my camera equiptment. I don't know if I'll ever find the time to learn and use photoshop.  But, I can guarantee that I have a fire in my belly now, that will not be expunged. I will own this dream and I nothing will stop me. Come computer virus, come financial challenges, come naysayers, come all.  I will take what I can. Learning free online, and taking loads and loads of photos first to become the best I feel that I can be.

I am trying to learn Manual on my DSLR now, and I know that this will be a big challenge for me. But the Aperature priority mode is proven to become dissapointing to me, so it's time to step it up.  I have used aperature priority mode for so long that I finally think I understand the relationshiop between ISO, Aperature, and Shutter Speed. Now, I just have to put that triangle to use in Manual. And after that, it's photoshop.

This is my dream, and I want to thank you all for your support.  I promise you all will see great things from me one day.  Thank you to all for believing in me and for your continued friendship which I treasure every day.

Have a Great Tuesday!

Happy Anniversary.

So, I tried to post this yesterday, but Blogger Photo was down.  My sister-in-law emailed the hubs and I this photo over the summer.  It's kind of silly and helter-skelter, but it's one of us I've never seen, which is always kind of like a surprise and a walk through memory lane.  This was taken when we were engaged, but before we were married. I know this because I was going through my spiral hair phase.  Since hubs says I still can't upload photos (which is starting to really bring me down;(, I thought I'd share this one with y'all.

The hubs was out of town Tuesday night and Wednesday on a business trip to Chicago, but we were able to go out for drinks and a nice dinner last night. Then headed to a movie.  I had free movie passes that I won on the radio, but ended up when we got there that they were only good till before 4 pm.  I don't know when I'll ever get to the movies before 4 pm, ha, but we went anyway. I have been wanting to see "The Secretariat."  Hubs wanted to see "Wall Street" (which I kind of did to, but wanted to see the "horsey movie" as I have been referring to it as for over a month now). I also want to see the new movie with Katherine Heigel and Josh Dushmel, but "Secretariat" was my first choice. Hubs let me choose which I was grateful for. Of course, he loves pony races and the Kentucky Derby and such so, it wasn't a huge loss for him. We were the only people in the theatre which was kind of nice, since we went to the last showing on a Wed night.

I thought the movie was fabulous!!  I Love Diane Lane, and her wardrobe and hair was so coiff and flawless. Made me want to be a Southern Belle in the 60's, early 70's.  Again,  just another bump towards my dream of owning a ranch, although, horse keeping I'm sure can be expensive and daunting.  What a beautiful story and a beautiful horse though. To be honest, I don't like to think about horse racing and the effects if might have on horses. Like when a racing horse breaks his/her leg and then they put him/her down. They did that a couple years ago after a big race, and when I heard about it, I couldn't help but cry and grow a dislike for the whole operation. I feel like they push them too hard, but hubs assures me that those horse are the best taken care of horses, and they get so much attention and that they LOVE to run. So, I'll try and believe hubs, and think posititively about the whole process.

Kudos to Disney though, they never dissapoint.  John Malkovich was great, and a great casting all around.  And, I got to sleep late today bc the pumpkin stayed at my parents house last night, and my mom watches her every Thursday.  Hubs, and I stopped by to see her this morning before work.  If you have a chance, this is a great feel good movie, you won't be dissapointed-I love true stories as well, just makes it that much more incredible and touches the heart that much more.

Also, I have to give credit where it's due. Apparently, the 3 year Anniversary gift is Leather. Hubs offered to purchase a new Leather Bag for me but also gave me the option to pay off some bills instead that I am needing help with instead.  Since, I still have a functioning leather bag that my mother-in-law gifted me at Christmas 3 years ago, I was more than happy to accept the help with the bills. The closer we get to paying off bills, the closer we get to me getting home, and adding to our family, so that is the greatest gift of all!  (He did gift me a leather bound calendar/scheduler as well, so that I would have something leather for our three year).

Thanks for all the Anniversary wishes!

3 yrs.

Happy 3yrs Today, my husband.
I still to this day am so happy to know that we were married during the most beautiful time of the year.
Our love will always be defined during this beautiful time, and I am so thankful for that.
It feels more like a decade than 3 yrs, and yet, it feels like just yesterday. 
Each year, I am amazed that we didn't drive each other mad, and, at the same time, amazed that I still love you even though you're mad.  You'd probably say I was too, but I said it first, and last.
Love you.

Glide Bikes Giveaway!!

What am AMAZING giveaway!!  I popped over to Tay's today, and realized that I never entered this giveaway, and I had been so excited for it.  Since I have not been uploading photos lately, blogging is getting a little away from me.  Can't wait till things are back to normal, ha!

This is such an amazing giveaway, I couldn't believe it!!  I read about the Company and the Designer on their web page when I went over there to check out the bikes, and it's a great story!  I LOVE reading these kinds of stories. I think it's amazing to learn how ordinary situations (such as purchasing your child's first bike) and every day people lead way to genius and entrepreneurship.  I think it's great that he took the initiative to discover the importance of a "balance bike" and incorporate mountain bike advantages with a child's bike, because of his own experience with mountain biking.  Logic leads way to greatness.

I would love to present this shiny PINK bike to Nik on her 2nd Birthday next Spring.  I can just see it with a Big Bow on her birthday.  She would be ecstatic!  She LOVES bikes, three wheelers, and her Little Tykes Car. Hard to believe my little pumpkin will be two next Spring. Ugh, where does the time go. I can't even imagine her being old/big enough to ride this bike, but I know it's right around the corner. 

I remember when my oldest brother taught me to ride a bike, on Grove Street, without training wheels. I remember I turned around and he was way back down the sidewalk, and I had been riding by myself and didn;t know it. I remember how scared and excited I was at the same time, when I realized I was riding all by myself.  He was just back there smiling and clapping his hands.I went straight from a Red Strawberry Shortcake Tricycle to a Pink and White "Fancy Dancer" Bicycle, with a pink horn, pink/white streamers, and a flower basket.  I used to LOVE to ride my bike, and I remember the spills and scrapes as well.

I would def purchase this little flower basket to go along with the bike for the little pumpkin, just like her Mommy had.

This is a great thing.  I am grateful for the opportunity.  Head on over to Tay's!! for a chance to win one of these fabulous bikes for your little pumpkin!

Love to all,
Lindsay

Dream a little Dream...

So, lately, I have been kinda hum drum. Work is getting to me, and there is constantly changes, which is good, but sometimes, seems harrowing.  It's been beautiful out lately, and drudging into a building for 8 1/2 hours, save for a window, does not do much to lighten my mood.  I guess most days, the corporate life is ok. I mean, in winter, you don't really notice working inside, bc, well, you'd be inside anyway. But, every morning, stepping out into the sun and the fresh morning air, to turn around and walk into a drab, lifeless, colorless building feels like I've stepped into an Edgar Allen Poe short story. I guess I feel like when I hit those glass doors, my soul ebbs away. That sounds kind of dramatic saying aloud... i guess maybe it has a little (well, a lot) to do with, I know it will be about 9 hours before I see the pumpkin again, and she is my life's soul.

I am thankful to have a job. I know there are bigger things at play in the world. Larger, more important things. I am happy and so blessed to be healthy and for my family's health. There is nothing more precious and more wonderful than to be alive, to see the beauty in each day, and to live life through a child's eyes.  I guess what I am struggling with is a happiness that I know I cannot find when I step through those doors. I feel a drop in my heart.  And it doesn't much change throughout the day. I guess I just wonder if other people feel that way. Do people feel that way and just try and make the most of it, because, well they have to live, and work, and make a living by working.  Do most people just brush it off and try and make the most of their day, make the most of what they have. Does happiness come through an acceptance that this is your day, and you make it what you want.  You make the most of it. You can decide whether to feel that way or not.  Or is it maybe, something more. Like, maybe I should find a new job.  One that doesn't feel as though I loose my soul when I step inside.

Is my job that bad, or is that what I am making it?  I never fit into a box in high school. I forced myself into several boxes, but I didn't fit. I was a cheerleader, hung out with a pretty popular crowd.  Tried to be diligent with my studies, but any set back would deter me from that path, and I'd give up.  Sometimes, I felt like I was outside myself looking in, and I never really felt "there." Like we were all together, but seperate at the same time. As if we had an agreement to be "friends" without any of the real privelages of friendship. I did have a couple friends that I shared real friendships with throughout highschool.  I think I was just trying to find myself, determine where I fit. Which I guess is what Highschool is all about. Discovering yourself. Who you are. Who you want to be. Trying out a box, seeing if you fit. Do you want to fit there?  Are you forcing yourself to fit there?  Do you feel pressured to fit there?

In college, I never found my niche. I wanted to be independant and go away to college, but it ended up that 45 minutes proved to be too far.  I moved into an apartment with my best friends at 18, and supporting yourself and attending college is never a good way to start College. Kudos to those that start out that way and are successful, finishing college in four years.  But that wasn't me. I stumbled around, in and out of college.  I think because I never found that niche.  What was my dream?  What was I born to do?   My passion. My life's happiness, my purpose in life?  Do people find that when they go to college?  Or do a lot of people just settle for soemthing they have an interest in. Settle for a path someone else leads them down. 

In highschool, and my freshman year of college, I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to write Chick Lit, or a Auto Biography, or a Novel, or Junior Literature.  There were lots of English majors of the group of friends that I hung around with for a while after high school. When I would sit down and really pour my heart and soul and mind into writing, the result was usually really beautiful.  My highschool english teachers all swore I would grow up to be a writer. It was always lengthy, what poured out. I think I was always searching for the right words.  I always felt alive when I wrote.  I have journals and journals of poetry and thoughts.  It was what took me through highschool and adolescence, writing.  Then, I decided that I wanted to be different, so I decided to major in Psychology. Maybe I grew out of writing a little bit, or it outgrew me.  Then I wanted to be a lawyer.  I did love to argue.  But, that was seven years, and a bar exam.  I didn't have that stay.  Always loved animals, maybe I should be a vet, but I could never have that responsibility, I could never put an animal down.  I took an interest in Psychology after a couple of classes, and decided to take every single psychology course they offered at my Community College, and then was accepted into the Psych Dept at a University in my home town.  I enjoyed the Community College that I attended, well enough anyway. I fit in pretty good, well, because, it's such a diverse place, and so welcoming to all. A small environment where you get individual attention and you can grow. 

Once, at the University, at the age of 25, I found I didnt fit in there.  Everyone was 18, 19 years old, and no one really cared about you, teachers or students.  We were constantly asked to work on group projects and all the new freshman and sophmores, wanted to meet at 9 pm to work on our projects. They didn't work, usually, they didn't have bills to pay and responsibilities, most of them.  They were carefree and finding themselves, and I was already past that. I should have already known who I was, or who "I decided to be"  by my age.  But, I didn't. I didn't know what I wanted. I thought I wanted to be a psychiatrist, or a highschool counselor.  Then, when I didn't feel like I fit in the psych dept, after working at a local daycare, I went back to a childhood dream, and wanted to pursue teaching. I looked into teaching, but I basically had to start college all over again. My courseload had been so heavy in Psychology, I had basically drown myself in ever taking a different route.  I wasn't starting over, and I couldn't stand where I was anymore.  So, I had to get out.

Then the purchase of our home awakened in me an interest in Real Estate.  I decided that I'd try my hand at Real Estate from there, which I really liked. I think of all my jobs, I found Real Estate the most interesting, the most fun.  I was educated and worked under a veteran Realtor, who tried to teach me everything he knew regarding Real Estate. I never grew tired of learning Real Estate.  I was always eager for more.  It was the only job I ever had, where it didn't really feel like you were working, when, well, you were working. It felt like everyday was a new experience, something new.  I LOVED looking at homes, showing people homes. Going into someone's home. It was like a little secret that I could share with other people.  To see each person's space, each unique in it;s own right.  Each home, a piece of someone, a window to their soul. To see the looks on people's faces when they found a home that fit them0-It was pretty amazing. Sitting on the other side of the table at the bank, with both parties, when the papers were signed, and the keys handed over, and you saw the look in their eyes, like their dreams had just come true. Every little girl (and little boy)dreams of having her own home, their own space.  Watching the look on someone's face when they hold those keys, and know their dream has come true, well there's really nothing like it.  I always felt like I must be the luckiest person in the world to be able to be a part of  this profession.  Idid feel like I ws a little out of my league, after all there were 750 realtors in our area alone, but I felt compelled to try and my mentor gave me confidence.

Of course with the economy being as it is, Real Estate being an independant contracting business, and a busineess where I was told it takes 7 years to build a clientele and ever start making any money. As a new couple starting out, this was not a place that we could chose to be wisely and economically.  I decided to put it on the back burner, and eventually I stopped paying the renewal fees, as they are kinda steep for something we weren't sure we'd ever be in a position to able to put my hand in again.

So, enter Corporate life, which I said, I'd never do. I was not that person. I still am not that person. I didn't fit in highschool or college, and I don't fit now. Maybe other people don't fit either. But, It feels like I REALLY don't fit. I've tried to fit. I really have.  Of course, I know to be happy you have to find that happiness within yourself.  But, I feel so stuck. I really have no where to go from here.  Without anymore education, I cannot go any further in my position, and maybe that's why I don't feel challenged or fulfilled, becuase I know I am stuck.  and, I do not want to go back to College.  Could I find something here that I was more interested in than my current position, of course, if I went back to college, I could have that opportunity. Maybe a position in Human Resources or something similiar.  But, I feel so suffocated here, like a square peg, being shoved into a round hole. With a million little hands pushing and poking and prodding, "fit, fit fit."  If you've seen the movie "Office Space" or the opening to "Joe Versus the Volcano" that's me in a nutshell. And when I leave, I'm smashing the vending machine for all the times, it stole my animal crackers, ha ha, just kidding.  My job at times is rewarding, but nothing that warrants feeling like I have found my place in life, and my life is now complete. And, I hate stiffling up here, wasting my life away for something that doesn't make me feel like I am living everyday to the fullest, the best possible way that I can live it. 

I guess I have always felt like my position here was a temporary one, a holding pattern, not permanent. A stop on the way to somethign better. I never planned to stay here long.  It's been three years now.  What have I accomplished in those three years?  I just feel like the life is sucked right out of me.  I don't feel like I'm challenged the way I want to be challenged. I don't feel like I can grow, in every way a person should anc can grow as an individual.  I can think of a million other things that would have filled my soul in a way that I have not experienced here.  I have come to the realization that I want every momeent to mean something. I don't want to settle. I shouldn't have to settle. And if this position doesn't have "your dream" written all over it, why are you here?  Move on.  I would never encourage Nikolina to settle, to not pursue her dreams, I would never tell her not to live her dreams to the fullest. I have to set an example for her.  I have to live my dreams for myself, but also for her. She needs to see that, bc that is what I want for her.

When we got married, I enjoyed the wedding planning process so much that I wanted to become a Wedding Planner, thought maybe that could be my calling.  I had several people say they thought it would be a great calling for me.  I am so detail oriented and organized.  And through looking for photographers, and my own dissapointment in my own wedding photos, I found a LOVE for photography. I wanted to be that person for a couple, to take those incredible shots, to create images of the most wonderful day of their life that they could treasure for years and years to come, for generations to come. I wanted to make up for the shots that I felt we didn't get at our wedding, to give that back to a couple.  I would look at wedding phtography every day.  Now, I admire baby and family photography of course as well.

I guess what I am looking for, if I have to work, is something that offers some kind of meaning to me.  A passion.  Yes, I help people, yes, people are grateful, yes, I feel happiness in helping people, in offering patience and reserve where there is none on the other end.  But, am I replaceable. Absolutely. If I weren't here, someone else would be, and could they do my position just as well, absolutely.  I don't want to be replaceable.  Moms are not replaceable, not to their children. Yes, I want to be a SAHM. Nothing could be more rewarding and more fulfilling to me than that. Than raising a family, living off the land. Whatever I'm searching for, my life's purpose, it is not within these walls.  And, I will not settle for the few hours outside of work as representing my life.  I want it all to mean something, I want it all to be my life's purpose.  I don't what that is. I don't know if I'll find it once I become a SAHM. And, I WILL become a SAHM.  Maybe I'll find it multiple places. But, so far the only thing I have found that passion, that happiness and peace is through Nikolina. 

I don't want to look back on my life and regret.  If I were to pass tomorrow, I honestly can't say that I would feel as though my life were fulfilled. I wouldn't feel as though I did everything I wanted to do. I wouldn't feel as though I'd found my place.  There is nothing in my current position that I would want to define me, that could define me.  I want my life to be about so much more than what is within these walls.  Nikolina is the only place I have found myself, and creatively through photographing her. When I photograph her, and I get that one shot that's worth it, it's the only thing that lights up my soul, that makes my soul soar.  It's the only thing that I get really excited about. The only thing I'm passionate about. Would I love to be a photographer, maybe, I'm still undecided about that. I just know, outisde of Nikolina, it's the only thing that makes me feel alive, and the only thing that I feel passionate about besides being a mother. The only thing that I feel pride over, the one thing besides Nikolina that I would want to define me, other than being an Aunt and a Mother.

What are you passionate about? 
What is your dream? 
What defines you?  What do you want to define you?
What is the one thing you would want others to remember about you? 
What is your dream career?  Are you living it?

Do you know the answers to these questions?  I want to know.  Tell me.


As I try to find myself, I think it is a lifelong path that I will have to discover along the way, I am curious as to what brings others happiness, fulfillment, and peace.

Love to all,
Lindsay