Coming into Reality.

It has been so long since I have shared a picture of the pumpkin with any of you, and my heart is so sad. I don't know when hubs will let me use the computer again, after the Virus meltdown, or if the pictures are fully backed up. I have yet to see them, but hubs says they are backed up to a website, or at least the codes for the photographs are, whether they means the photos can actually be accessed, I have no clue, ha ha.

But, today, I am going to try an upload some photos of the pumpkin to my parents computer to share with you because to be honest, I am starting to become really sad that I can't share them with you. I feel empty at that realization and fact.  I have always known how sharing photos of Nik uplifted my day when I went back and looked at them throughout the day, but I never realized, till now, how much it meant to me to share them and how much of a part of who I am was connected to those photographs.

I was never really an artist. I was pretty good at studies when I applied myself. When I applied myself, worked hard, and did well, I was always proud of myself.  I wasn't really into sports as a young adult. Cheerleading and dance was something I was always proud to define me, and something I was passionate about. Writing was a passionate outlet for me, somewhere I could be proud, shine.  An eating disorder defined me for too many years.  I have let realtionships define me.  I guess I haven't had anything that really defined me, or something I was passionate about in a few years other than being engaged, getting married, then a wife, then a mother.  And, I have been proud to let those things define me.  Getting engaged, married, and becoming a mother have been the MOST AMAZING things to have ever happened to me in my life. 

That's changed with photography. Photography, somewhere, surprisingly has begun to define me without my knowing. And, it's something I admit that I am welcoming to define me.  I don't have, well a usable computer right now, I don't have photoshop. I don't have a lot of camera equiptment, or even any photography books. These are all things that I can only dream of right now. Goals that I have to place in the unknown future.  I think if I had these things I probably wouldn't ever sleep. I'd probably stay up all night editing photos, working my craft. And, I think that I would LOVE that.

The other night, hubs for fun, uploaded a photo I took onto his work computer. A photo I shot in raw. Basically, we don't own a computer that can handle raw files.  I just look forward to uploading a jpeg file at this point, ha!  He used something called GIMP to edit the photo, which is like Photoshop. Before my eyes, I watched the most beautiful, amazing thing happen. To me, I would say Really great photography is 51 percent camera equiptment/computer software and 49 percent technique and talent. Those percentages may change in my eyes as I hopefully master my craft, but you would not believe the amazing things you can do with this photography software/templates.

Basically, I think my heart wept or sang, maybe a combination of both at the same time. And that sounds silly to say aloud, but I discovered a world that I could only dream of. A world that was so beautiful to me. To watch a photograph been transformed like that is something I can't even describe to you in words, but something you have to see with your eyes. It truly is an artform, and I have never wanted to master anything so much in my life.  I have never wanted to be a part of something so much in my life. 

When I look at photography I get knots in my stomach. Dinosaur sized butterflies in my stomach. Nothing makes me more excited, more giddy than to take photographs, to nail that perfect shot, and then to see it transformed on software. The photograph comes alive, and speaks to you, and I have never experienced anything like it. Truly, that moment was a defining moment for me in my life.  And, lets be honest, how many of those do you get in a lifetime.

I don't know when or if I will ever have the capabilities to work with raw files and photoshop on quality software or when I'll be able to upgrade my camera equiptment. I don't know if I'll ever find the time to learn and use photoshop.  But, I can guarantee that I have a fire in my belly now, that will not be expunged. I will own this dream and I nothing will stop me. Come computer virus, come financial challenges, come naysayers, come all.  I will take what I can. Learning free online, and taking loads and loads of photos first to become the best I feel that I can be.

I am trying to learn Manual on my DSLR now, and I know that this will be a big challenge for me. But the Aperature priority mode is proven to become dissapointing to me, so it's time to step it up.  I have used aperature priority mode for so long that I finally think I understand the relationshiop between ISO, Aperature, and Shutter Speed. Now, I just have to put that triangle to use in Manual. And after that, it's photoshop.

This is my dream, and I want to thank you all for your support.  I promise you all will see great things from me one day.  Thank you to all for believing in me and for your continued friendship which I treasure every day.

Have a Great Tuesday!