As I write this, I wonder, how to start? Should I write something clever, something witty, humorous, or sentimental? I'm not sure. I have a tendency to over-share (something I am working on). Inevitably, I may say the wrong thing (most assuredly). I am not perfect, only human. I am ordinary, not extraordinary (though I admit, I do have those surreal moments with my children where I feel my life is in fact extraordinary). I find others, more often, are able to put more eloquently into words, my very own thoughts and feelings than myself. Which brings us to the pressing question at hand: Why should Santa leave a Christmas gift under my tree? That much being said...every year, I still search the tree in the hopes of finding a present that no one can attest to, that may have been left by the magic creature himself. That is just a reflection of the person that I am: Hopeful. This sprinkled with my resistance to not stop believing in the magic that surrounds the holiday of Christmas. Maybe it makes me a little naive as well; a little like a child, which I embrace all too often.
Too be quite honest, if you are referring to the gift of the incredible camera lenses that are being gifted December 23rd, I cannot think of a reason that I, myself, would be more deserving of them than any of the other hopeful photographers that are all wishing for the same thing as I this day. We are all here because of our love for photography and the artistic outlet that it allows us to create for just a moment in time. I have no story to tell. Just me and my little dream; that feels like an all encompassing, raging inferno inside. Just my little dream to create; to quiet and feed and free the ideas flooding, and bursting inside my small body. All I have is a dream. A dream that began small, and has grown into the all encompassing journey that has become my life's dream. A dream that surrounds me every minute of the day, as I breathe it in and out. It is the last thing I think about before I fall into slumber, and the first hopeful thought of the day that comes rushing over me in full force. Every day I wake up hopeful that today is the day all my dreams might come true. Each day is a new opportunity to becoming that much closer to my dream. A stream of endless possibilities that awaits me behind the lens.
I do have a story, one that is unique to me on my struggle to complete this dream. On my path I have come upon endless trials and tribulations; challenges on my path towards pursuing my dream, and bringing my dream to fruition. Everyday, I feel like another day has gone by. But I have told this story all too often. My husband keeps asking me why, I repeatedly enter these giveaways and contests. I put so much of myself into each one, expose so much of myself for all to bear witness. And my response to him is always the same: I simply have to. I have to keep trying. I cannot give up hope. I have to keep dreaming. I am not quite sure what would happen to me if I gave up. So much of myself is wrapped up in this dream, I am unable to separate myself from it. Which is why, evidently, when I envision a photograph in my mind, I have to recreate in, as soon as possible, or I feel I might burst inside. The same reason why when I pass a yard sale, that I have to slam on the brakes, and pull over (amid causing a collision) to snag that piece that I have been searching for to complete a photograph. It is the same reason that when I happen upon an open field that I have envisioned in a daydream, that I have to immediately turn around, take the kids home to change, grab my camera, and bring them back to complete the shot. It is what consumes me body and soul. I see something play out before me, children playing, and I see it frozen as a shot. I see an antique, and instantly envision it as a prop in a photograph. I drive past a field, and the scene before becomes a photo shoot I have to conquer immediately. I feel like I breathe photography.
Someday, I may be in the position to be able to make my own dreams come true, but I know if I don't try in the meantime, if I don't work towards doing everything to bring this dream to fruition that I could never forgive myself. I had pictures of these exact lenses and a camera body upgrade hanging on my cubicle wall at work for a very long time. A constant inspiration to me, a reminder, a talisman of sorts. I know the possibilities that lay beyond these lenses. I have seen the finished art that is created with lenses like these. Oh, the possibilities. Just within reach. The beauty. The art. That is what photography is to me. It is my art, my dance, my song, my exclamation of self. My inner self shouting to be heard and seen: see the beauty I can create, witness my design, the life that breathes here. And, I feel like I can create something beautiful. I can show others the beauty that is inherent within them. There are times, I admit, I have been afraid of my ability to succeed and be successful, as ridiculous as that seems. I know it will be hard work. I know there will be challenges that await me once I have opened that door. There are so many photographers, so many artists, what makes me different than them? What sets me apart? But, I realize they are no different than I. They are just trying to let go of those ideas, these visions, that flood their mind keeping them up at night, the same as I. Those creations they envision that they have to release before they burst. They are just trying to release themselves; to free themselves.
I could go on forever, I really could. I delayed posting this, because I felt there was no amount of words that I could place on paper, or rather on keys, that could encompass my passion and screaming desire to be so much more than I have been able to be up to this point. But, the truth is, I have to get something out there, now, before its too late. I don't know that I deserve this gift more than anyone else hoping for the same thing, but I do know that my stomach turns in knots, keeping me awake into the early morning hours, sick at the thought that maybe, just maybe, I could have a chance to be great. To be free to express my self, to free myself, through an even greater avenue possible than has been available to me up to this point. I feel like my soul will not rest until it has been given the opportunity to soar in this way. And, I have never felt so alive and so thankful for my little dream.
I recently sat on Santa's lap and wished for this. The REAL Santa at Macy's. And I won't ever stop believing. I never did. There is a little star inside of me shining so bright at this moment, and wishing that everyone could see it. I feel like my whole life has led to this point. I have been a little star all along, and when I first held that camera in my hands, I felt something inside of me change, and grow. That little star. And each time I capture that moment, or share a photograph, I can feel that little star shine a little brighter. I would love for that jolly elf, to fill his stomach with my mother's sugar cookies on Christmas Eve, and leave that gift under my tree, so that my little star might shine so bright that all the world could see. (heart)
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Hold.
While celebrating the Super Bowl with family tonight, Nik laughed and played, screamed and shouted, jumped and danced, giggled and whispered secrets. As I watched her run off down the hallway with one of her cousins, I heard her little sweet, sing songy toddler voice say, "Come on, let's hold hands," and reach out for her cousins hand to place in hers. And, I realized that I never wanted to forget her like this: so sweet, so pure, so innocent, so uninhibited;so unaffected by the world.
And, I just hope that she remains that way. Heaven help the person that trys to take that from her. I just pray that I don't ever do anything myself to take any of that glistening hope And innocence away from her. Some days she pushes me to my limits, and I am the first to admit, I am not a patient person. I wish I was. I feel as though God gave me children so that I may learn patience, but it is not an easy task for me. Very often, I find myself silently, and aloud sometimes, "God, grant me patience." I want so much to be that guiding strength for her, to be her Rock.
Having children has taught me so much about the kind of mother I want to be to my children, and the kind of mother I know I don't want to be. Everyday I am ever aware of how my words and actions are affecting her and shaping her life. You catch yourself, and wonder what is the right way to approach this situation, what are the right words, the proper explanation; what is the lesson to be learned? Children are walking reflections of our words and actions. Some days I feel like a puppeteer. I hold the strings, and which way I pull them, inexplicably, I know that I determine the course of action and sequence. It's a terrifying realization that we hold so much power. There are some days, I'm terrified that I do. And there are days, I wish I had pulled them in a different direction.
But, I know that each day brings a new opportunity to start fresh, and I am grateful for each day that I have with them. I feel as though, with each new day, I have a little more patience, a little more insight, a little more love to give. And, I know each day I love a little more, each day I carve out a little more time, that there are that many more giggles, that many more cuddles, that many more snuggles, and that many more, "I love you, moms'." And those are the moments that make it up a life.
And, I just hope that she remains that way. Heaven help the person that trys to take that from her. I just pray that I don't ever do anything myself to take any of that glistening hope And innocence away from her. Some days she pushes me to my limits, and I am the first to admit, I am not a patient person. I wish I was. I feel as though God gave me children so that I may learn patience, but it is not an easy task for me. Very often, I find myself silently, and aloud sometimes, "God, grant me patience." I want so much to be that guiding strength for her, to be her Rock.
Having children has taught me so much about the kind of mother I want to be to my children, and the kind of mother I know I don't want to be. Everyday I am ever aware of how my words and actions are affecting her and shaping her life. You catch yourself, and wonder what is the right way to approach this situation, what are the right words, the proper explanation; what is the lesson to be learned? Children are walking reflections of our words and actions. Some days I feel like a puppeteer. I hold the strings, and which way I pull them, inexplicably, I know that I determine the course of action and sequence. It's a terrifying realization that we hold so much power. There are some days, I'm terrified that I do. And there are days, I wish I had pulled them in a different direction.
But, I know that each day brings a new opportunity to start fresh, and I am grateful for each day that I have with them. I feel as though, with each new day, I have a little more patience, a little more insight, a little more love to give. And, I know each day I love a little more, each day I carve out a little more time, that there are that many more giggles, that many more cuddles, that many more snuggles, and that many more, "I love you, moms'." And those are the moments that make it up a life.
Friday, February 3, 2012
me.
It has been so long since I posted, I'm pretty sure there is no one out there, and shamefully, I don't know that I deserve your time even if you were. Ever since our computer went kaput, well, to be honest, I got down on myself and gave up on myself and you, sadly.
My husband and I were having a conversation the other day, that led well, to a small disagreement/argument, and it made me want to put something on paper, if not for myself, than at least for every other mother and woman I have had the pleasure of meeting, and for those I may never meet.
The details of the discussion are not important, but the main point that my husband touched upon was something that I wanted to get off my head, per say. Essentially what was expressed to me was that in choosing to be a stay at home mom, that I "gave up the option" to be well, me. That I gave up the option to pursue something I was passionate about, or I should say, things that I was passionate about. That I had other responsibilities as a SAHM, and for lack of better words, that who I was (as a seperate entitiy than what fell under the title'mother'). My dreams, or who I needed to be, to grow as a person was no longer an option for me. Even as I write these words, it stings, and tears well in my eyes. The hurt is still fresh. And, even as I write these words, I am aware that I probably will not get the time to finish them, and yes, I'm aware that they are other 'motherly, wifely, things' I should be tending to.
Being a SAHM was my choice, and there are days that it is the hardest job on earth. And there are days if I wonder if I'm doing the right thing by my family and my children. And there are days that I fear that I'm going to turn my daughter into myself, and that scares me to death! To know that I am responsible for shaping these little people, and that each moment I may be saying or doing something that I can't, well, undo, terrifies me.
When Nik was born, I knew that who I was, as a seperate person, was not nearly as grand as the life that lay in my hands. She was so innocent, so pure, so alive, a living, breathing, creature that I was responsible for, and she was perfect. I put my wants, my desires, my dreams and goals aside and gave everything I could to her, to be the best possible mother I could be to her. And I strove to still be a good wife, and home maker, and provider for our family. I did not want to go back to work and hand my 12 week old newborn miracle to a someone I barely knew. But, I had no choice, staying at home was not an option for us, and I cried myself to sleep every night, every morning and throughout the day, almost always when I expressed milk for our daughter for 14 months.
I am the first person to say that I wanted to put her first, whether, that is the right thing to do and whether that makes me a 'better mother,' I can't be sure, I just know, I thought it did. But does it make you a better mother, to loose yourself. Now, I'm not so sure. And i know, I'm not the first mother to fall into this niche. After my husband and I's discussion, I lay awake thinking about and pondering the words we had spoken.
Does giving up yourself entirely, and succumbing to the title:'the mom' make you a better mom, and therefore, does it make you a better person to parent your children? Shouldn't your children watch you be your own person? Shouldn't your children watch you have goals and dreams, and passions? After all, what are we without passion? Mere animals, I think one person said once. There is more to me than, 'the wife,' or 'the mother'. I am and was a person before I married and had children, was I not. Why does having children mean that I become a lifeless entity who has no dimension, no sense of self, or worth outside of the title, 'mom' and our home? After all, being a wife and a mother, while it can define me, doesn't encompass all that I am as an individual. I don't think that it should, which is what led me here, to you, or well rather, to myself as well.
I believe I am a better, more well rounded person to my children, and to my partner, if I am happy, and well adjusted, and have a strong sense of self, id, and self-worth. I know I feel like I am, and I can see it in the way that I parent; in the patience that I have, in the words that run through my mind and inevitably out of my mouth, in the way that I 'play,' in the snuggles and cuddles, and in the spaces in between. I don't want to end up one of those mothers who one day snaps, and the whole neighborhood is oblivious, because I seemed like such a June Cleaver, Martha Stewart, person who has it all put together; suburban, PTA, soccer mom, house wife. I am not perfect, I'm the first one to admit it. There are days I wish I was. Yes, I had in my mind, a picture of myself as a SAHM, and that picture seemed a lot more glossy and shimmering, and seemingly wrapped in a precisely cut and perfectly knotted sparkling, iridescent, pink, polka dot heart bow.
But, I can't help but think that by pushing every desire, every dream, every passion, every aspiration, every part of what makes me, me aside for 'later'. By pushing every part of myself as a distinct, individual, person down deep into the darkest corners of my being;and keeping it there for a time when one day, I MAY have more time to let it blossom. I can't help but think, that if I were to do that, that not only would it be the wrong thing to do, for myself, and for my family, but that I would be cheating myself and my family out of ever really finding out who I am as a person. And what if I am never at a point in my life, when it's MY time, or what if it's too late. Then what will my children know about me, about who I was as an individual, a distinct person other than, 'mom'? When, I know, for certain, that I am so much more than that, no matter how deserving that title alone is to me, and to so many others out there. I know, there is more to me, and I want everyone to know. And just in time, I think I hear the little one calling.
My husband and I were having a conversation the other day, that led well, to a small disagreement/argument, and it made me want to put something on paper, if not for myself, than at least for every other mother and woman I have had the pleasure of meeting, and for those I may never meet.
The details of the discussion are not important, but the main point that my husband touched upon was something that I wanted to get off my head, per say. Essentially what was expressed to me was that in choosing to be a stay at home mom, that I "gave up the option" to be well, me. That I gave up the option to pursue something I was passionate about, or I should say, things that I was passionate about. That I had other responsibilities as a SAHM, and for lack of better words, that who I was (as a seperate entitiy than what fell under the title'mother'). My dreams, or who I needed to be, to grow as a person was no longer an option for me. Even as I write these words, it stings, and tears well in my eyes. The hurt is still fresh. And, even as I write these words, I am aware that I probably will not get the time to finish them, and yes, I'm aware that they are other 'motherly, wifely, things' I should be tending to.
Being a SAHM was my choice, and there are days that it is the hardest job on earth. And there are days if I wonder if I'm doing the right thing by my family and my children. And there are days that I fear that I'm going to turn my daughter into myself, and that scares me to death! To know that I am responsible for shaping these little people, and that each moment I may be saying or doing something that I can't, well, undo, terrifies me.
When Nik was born, I knew that who I was, as a seperate person, was not nearly as grand as the life that lay in my hands. She was so innocent, so pure, so alive, a living, breathing, creature that I was responsible for, and she was perfect. I put my wants, my desires, my dreams and goals aside and gave everything I could to her, to be the best possible mother I could be to her. And I strove to still be a good wife, and home maker, and provider for our family. I did not want to go back to work and hand my 12 week old newborn miracle to a someone I barely knew. But, I had no choice, staying at home was not an option for us, and I cried myself to sleep every night, every morning and throughout the day, almost always when I expressed milk for our daughter for 14 months.
I am the first person to say that I wanted to put her first, whether, that is the right thing to do and whether that makes me a 'better mother,' I can't be sure, I just know, I thought it did. But does it make you a better mother, to loose yourself. Now, I'm not so sure. And i know, I'm not the first mother to fall into this niche. After my husband and I's discussion, I lay awake thinking about and pondering the words we had spoken.
Does giving up yourself entirely, and succumbing to the title:'the mom' make you a better mom, and therefore, does it make you a better person to parent your children? Shouldn't your children watch you be your own person? Shouldn't your children watch you have goals and dreams, and passions? After all, what are we without passion? Mere animals, I think one person said once. There is more to me than, 'the wife,' or 'the mother'. I am and was a person before I married and had children, was I not. Why does having children mean that I become a lifeless entity who has no dimension, no sense of self, or worth outside of the title, 'mom' and our home? After all, being a wife and a mother, while it can define me, doesn't encompass all that I am as an individual. I don't think that it should, which is what led me here, to you, or well rather, to myself as well.
I believe I am a better, more well rounded person to my children, and to my partner, if I am happy, and well adjusted, and have a strong sense of self, id, and self-worth. I know I feel like I am, and I can see it in the way that I parent; in the patience that I have, in the words that run through my mind and inevitably out of my mouth, in the way that I 'play,' in the snuggles and cuddles, and in the spaces in between. I don't want to end up one of those mothers who one day snaps, and the whole neighborhood is oblivious, because I seemed like such a June Cleaver, Martha Stewart, person who has it all put together; suburban, PTA, soccer mom, house wife. I am not perfect, I'm the first one to admit it. There are days I wish I was. Yes, I had in my mind, a picture of myself as a SAHM, and that picture seemed a lot more glossy and shimmering, and seemingly wrapped in a precisely cut and perfectly knotted sparkling, iridescent, pink, polka dot heart bow.
But, I can't help but think that by pushing every desire, every dream, every passion, every aspiration, every part of what makes me, me aside for 'later'. By pushing every part of myself as a distinct, individual, person down deep into the darkest corners of my being;and keeping it there for a time when one day, I MAY have more time to let it blossom. I can't help but think, that if I were to do that, that not only would it be the wrong thing to do, for myself, and for my family, but that I would be cheating myself and my family out of ever really finding out who I am as a person. And what if I am never at a point in my life, when it's MY time, or what if it's too late. Then what will my children know about me, about who I was as an individual, a distinct person other than, 'mom'? When, I know, for certain, that I am so much more than that, no matter how deserving that title alone is to me, and to so many others out there. I know, there is more to me, and I want everyone to know. And just in time, I think I hear the little one calling.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
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Happy Heart Day Valentine's Card
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I've had a lot of time these days to think about my life, and all the different ways I could have changed things.
So much of my life, I've spent afraid, hiding the real me.
Pretending to be someone or something I wasn't, hoping no one could see.
But, I grew tired of the stage and the part I had to play.
This came to me last night..part of a poem I wrote years ago. It came to me after a discussion with my husband I plan to post on later.
So much of my life, I've spent afraid, hiding the real me.
Pretending to be someone or something I wasn't, hoping no one could see.
But, I grew tired of the stage and the part I had to play.
This came to me last night..part of a poem I wrote years ago. It came to me after a discussion with my husband I plan to post on later.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Stationery card
Love Wishes Valentine's Card
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Saturday, December 31, 2011
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Festive Floral Holiday Card
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Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
30 Weeks: Big Foot?
Pregnancy: 30 Weeks
Weight 137.6
Baby's heart bpm low 140's
Baby's size: Squash
Baby's Weight: 4 pounds!!
I had a sonogram and an obgyn appt today, and according to the sonogram, the baby is measuring over 100% for height and weight, and weighing in at 4 pounds, ahead of schedule for an average baby at this stage of our pregnancy. But I guess, judging by Nik, our babies are anything but average in height and weight. She stated that due to the baby's size/measurements, you would think that my due date would be June 4, not June 16th. All I kept thinking is 1. I do not want to give birth to a baby over 9 POUNDS!!! and 2. That poor pumpkin is going to be REALLY uncomfortable in the last couple of weeks in there.
She stated he/she was all scrunched up inside my belly.
The baby was swallowing and putting his/her hand near their face during the sonogram. She stated that the baby was breach though and she was slightly concerned that the baby was not head down at this stage of the pregnancy. I don't have a base comparison for this information bc due to my insurance plan the last pregnancy with Nik, I never had a sonogram at this stage with her, bc it would have been oop for me, and my obgyn stated that it was not necessary. Soooo, Nik could have been the same way, measuring the same way, breach the same way, so I am taking it all with a grain of salt, and letting time take its course. We had a sonogram with this baby at a time early in the pregnancy that we never had with Nik, and I got worried bc the sono tech stated that I had Placenta Previa, and she would have to monitor it, and put me on a slight restriction of lifting/resting, etc, and then at the next check-up, everything was normal and as it should be. So things could have been the same with NIk and we would have never known it bc we had the sonograms at different times. Note to self, next baby, have the sonograms at the same time to avoid confusion and promote consistency.
Our sono tech stated that the baby's weight and femur/humerous and head circumference are measuring ahead of schedule, so she stated that the baby will be tall with long limbs. At the news that our baby weighed 4 pounds, which was above average and that the head circumference was also above average, I expressed concern that the baby was overweight (due to my ice cream and chocolate obsession) and that the head was too large due to the amount of DHA I was taking. The sono tech stated the baby will not be overweight bc the abdomen size is more average/consistent with the week of the pregnancy and the diameter of the head is also more in-line with the stage of pregnancy. She stated that the diameter of the head and the abdomen size dictate that the baby will not be overweight and the baby will have a long narrow head. She also stated that the baby does not have my nose, ha ha she thought from the image. She got a bgeautiful shot of the baby's head.
Of course I rushed to tell my hubs that we were giving birth to big foot. Josh referred to Nik as "sasquatch" when she was born due to her height and weight. And of course I objected to this referrence. My beautiful baby girl was not a "sasquatch" no matter what her size. I can't help the fact that my sister-in-law's both gave birth to small babies, but I was adament that this did not mean that my pumpkin was abnormally above average for height and weight even though she probably was.
But this baby does not look to be slowing down in size either, so I just pray that this baby weighs the same, or less than 9 pounds. How is it that these poor babies are scrunched into my little torso? I feel so sorry for them , ha ha. I told my hubs with his genes, he should have marries someone 5'7 to carry these little babes so they would be more comfortable. I can already feel that second laceration tear happening again. Although I never felt it the first time. Oh Lordy. I think I should lay off the chocolate and ice cream. I'm still eating oranges and banannas, which hopefully balances it out?? I have this new obsession for chocolate animal crackers since I bought them for Nik's 2nd Birthday. I have been trying to take more walks after work with Nik now that the weather is warming up, so maybe this baby will level out, or I will ha ha.
But then I saw my obgyn and when I expressed my concern that I was going to give birth to a baby over 9 pounds, she advised me that she spoke to the sono tech and she actually was confusing my last menstral date for the last pregnancy cycle with this pregnancy's menstral cycle. She stated that the baby is right at or close to 100% but no worries. She said most second babies are larger, I just had an unusually above average first baby.
I can feel every movement from this little one. I think that he/she is definently squished in there. When he/she moves I can feel the movements so strongly, they suprisingly hurt or perhaps their suddenness is also startling. Poor thing. I can't remember if Nik's movements at this stage where quite as strong. I imagine they were.
Hang in there little pumpkin. Two more months to go:)
Weight 137.6
Baby's heart bpm low 140's
Baby's size: Squash
Baby's Weight: 4 pounds!!
I had a sonogram and an obgyn appt today, and according to the sonogram, the baby is measuring over 100% for height and weight, and weighing in at 4 pounds, ahead of schedule for an average baby at this stage of our pregnancy. But I guess, judging by Nik, our babies are anything but average in height and weight. She stated that due to the baby's size/measurements, you would think that my due date would be June 4, not June 16th. All I kept thinking is 1. I do not want to give birth to a baby over 9 POUNDS!!! and 2. That poor pumpkin is going to be REALLY uncomfortable in the last couple of weeks in there.
She stated he/she was all scrunched up inside my belly.
The baby was swallowing and putting his/her hand near their face during the sonogram. She stated that the baby was breach though and she was slightly concerned that the baby was not head down at this stage of the pregnancy. I don't have a base comparison for this information bc due to my insurance plan the last pregnancy with Nik, I never had a sonogram at this stage with her, bc it would have been oop for me, and my obgyn stated that it was not necessary. Soooo, Nik could have been the same way, measuring the same way, breach the same way, so I am taking it all with a grain of salt, and letting time take its course. We had a sonogram with this baby at a time early in the pregnancy that we never had with Nik, and I got worried bc the sono tech stated that I had Placenta Previa, and she would have to monitor it, and put me on a slight restriction of lifting/resting, etc, and then at the next check-up, everything was normal and as it should be. So things could have been the same with NIk and we would have never known it bc we had the sonograms at different times. Note to self, next baby, have the sonograms at the same time to avoid confusion and promote consistency.
Our sono tech stated that the baby's weight and femur/humerous and head circumference are measuring ahead of schedule, so she stated that the baby will be tall with long limbs. At the news that our baby weighed 4 pounds, which was above average and that the head circumference was also above average, I expressed concern that the baby was overweight (due to my ice cream and chocolate obsession) and that the head was too large due to the amount of DHA I was taking. The sono tech stated the baby will not be overweight bc the abdomen size is more average/consistent with the week of the pregnancy and the diameter of the head is also more in-line with the stage of pregnancy. She stated that the diameter of the head and the abdomen size dictate that the baby will not be overweight and the baby will have a long narrow head. She also stated that the baby does not have my nose, ha ha she thought from the image. She got a bgeautiful shot of the baby's head.
Of course I rushed to tell my hubs that we were giving birth to big foot. Josh referred to Nik as "sasquatch" when she was born due to her height and weight. And of course I objected to this referrence. My beautiful baby girl was not a "sasquatch" no matter what her size. I can't help the fact that my sister-in-law's both gave birth to small babies, but I was adament that this did not mean that my pumpkin was abnormally above average for height and weight even though she probably was.
But this baby does not look to be slowing down in size either, so I just pray that this baby weighs the same, or less than 9 pounds. How is it that these poor babies are scrunched into my little torso? I feel so sorry for them , ha ha. I told my hubs with his genes, he should have marries someone 5'7 to carry these little babes so they would be more comfortable. I can already feel that second laceration tear happening again. Although I never felt it the first time. Oh Lordy. I think I should lay off the chocolate and ice cream. I'm still eating oranges and banannas, which hopefully balances it out?? I have this new obsession for chocolate animal crackers since I bought them for Nik's 2nd Birthday. I have been trying to take more walks after work with Nik now that the weather is warming up, so maybe this baby will level out, or I will ha ha.
But then I saw my obgyn and when I expressed my concern that I was going to give birth to a baby over 9 pounds, she advised me that she spoke to the sono tech and she actually was confusing my last menstral date for the last pregnancy cycle with this pregnancy's menstral cycle. She stated that the baby is right at or close to 100% but no worries. She said most second babies are larger, I just had an unusually above average first baby.
I can feel every movement from this little one. I think that he/she is definently squished in there. When he/she moves I can feel the movements so strongly, they suprisingly hurt or perhaps their suddenness is also startling. Poor thing. I can't remember if Nik's movements at this stage where quite as strong. I imagine they were.
Hang in there little pumpkin. Two more months to go:)
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Hi Mom.
My mother had Monday off (in addition to Thursday when she regularly watches Nik), and she called me to tell me she wanted to watch Nik. My mother still works full time at 63, she'll be 64 this year. She has been working more than my father this past year. My father owned an excavating business and when building and construction slowed, or rather stopped, do to the economy, he has found himself with less and less work, and has now handed the business over to my uncle and is now working for the city. They moved retirement to 67, so my mother still has three more year before she can retire.
My heart goes out to my mother. She works holidays and weekends, and she is physically exhausted at the end of the day, working on her feet all day as a retail salesperson. She misses out all the time on special events, family time, and special occasions because she cannot take off work. When Nik was born, she offered to use one of her two days off to watch her every week. And this has helped us out tremendously financially and me (sanity wise). It's the only day that I don't worry about Nik, and usually the only day that I don't belittle and berate myself for not being able to stay at home with my children. The other day she gets off during the week varies, sometimes it's a Sunday, sometimes another day during the week. During the holidays, she only gets one day off a week.
The fact that she offers to watch Nik on her days off just warms my heart in a way that I can not describe. At her age, with the demands of her job, and knowing she has no other time for herself or to clean or run errands, she uses this only time to watch Nik. We pay our sitter for 4 days, so any days beyond Thursday that Nik is not there, we are obligated to pay regardless. But, knowing that it brings her so joy to watch her, and fills her life brings me such pride in knowing she is my mother. Knowing she wants to watch her more than take that time for herself and wants to watch her other than when it is simply convienent for her just reminds me of what a giving, generous person she is, and I can only think what a wonderful mother she must have been to me when I was too young to really remember or be aware.
I hope one day, I am that giving and that generous to my grandchildren, and that I am able to be half the grandmother, or rather, "mimi" she has been to Nik, and will be to our future children.
I called my mother on my lunch break just to check in, and was expecting my mom to tell me Nik was asleep. as she usually does. It took till just about the last ring for someone to answer, and I hear, "Hi Mom." The voice sounded so casual, so confidant, so matter of point, and with a distinct tone, that I thought for a moment it must be my mom mocking my call. It almost sounded like my 6 year old niece which I knew couldn't be possible as she lives in Orland Park. After a few moments, I realized, or was it because she then said, "Hi Mommy" that I realized the voice belonged to Nik. I have never heard her call me "Mom" and she sounded so grown up, so old, like she was 13 years old. I think my heart dropped in my chest at this realization, bc I am not ready for her to get so big so fast. Of course, I LOVE watching her learn new things, explore new things, take new steps, as she grows and becomes her own individual, but she will always be my baby, even when the new baby comes. I think I will just start saying, "My babies."
Then the proceeding coversation resulted in a lot more of, "Hi Mommy" (ies) and I could hear in her voice that she wanted to see me instead of just talk to me, and it was heart breaking to hear. I don't think I will be calling home to speak to her anymore. It was heartbreaking to me to continue the coversation as she just kept saying, "Mommy, Mommy," and I knew she wanted to see me. I tried to ask her specific questions questions but it ended up as more that she just wanted to call for me instead of answer them. My mother also said that when they said to say "good bye" and I said "good bye" and hung up, that big crocodile tears and crying resulted.
She has become more attached to me as we head into the two's and I can't help but wish that time would just speed up so I can be home with her permanantly. Knowing it's so close, and not yet here, is agonizing. And yet, I want to treasure this time between just the two of us. It breaks my heart to leave her everyday, and I want to be with her every moment when we are together, which seems impossible.
But that, "Hi Mom" keeps echoing in my mind, and reminding me that our little pumpkin is getting bigger, growing up, and I am unable to slow time down, and left to just try and embrace every moment of it.
My heart goes out to my mother. She works holidays and weekends, and she is physically exhausted at the end of the day, working on her feet all day as a retail salesperson. She misses out all the time on special events, family time, and special occasions because she cannot take off work. When Nik was born, she offered to use one of her two days off to watch her every week. And this has helped us out tremendously financially and me (sanity wise). It's the only day that I don't worry about Nik, and usually the only day that I don't belittle and berate myself for not being able to stay at home with my children. The other day she gets off during the week varies, sometimes it's a Sunday, sometimes another day during the week. During the holidays, she only gets one day off a week.
The fact that she offers to watch Nik on her days off just warms my heart in a way that I can not describe. At her age, with the demands of her job, and knowing she has no other time for herself or to clean or run errands, she uses this only time to watch Nik. We pay our sitter for 4 days, so any days beyond Thursday that Nik is not there, we are obligated to pay regardless. But, knowing that it brings her so joy to watch her, and fills her life brings me such pride in knowing she is my mother. Knowing she wants to watch her more than take that time for herself and wants to watch her other than when it is simply convienent for her just reminds me of what a giving, generous person she is, and I can only think what a wonderful mother she must have been to me when I was too young to really remember or be aware.
I hope one day, I am that giving and that generous to my grandchildren, and that I am able to be half the grandmother, or rather, "mimi" she has been to Nik, and will be to our future children.
I called my mother on my lunch break just to check in, and was expecting my mom to tell me Nik was asleep. as she usually does. It took till just about the last ring for someone to answer, and I hear, "Hi Mom." The voice sounded so casual, so confidant, so matter of point, and with a distinct tone, that I thought for a moment it must be my mom mocking my call. It almost sounded like my 6 year old niece which I knew couldn't be possible as she lives in Orland Park. After a few moments, I realized, or was it because she then said, "Hi Mommy" that I realized the voice belonged to Nik. I have never heard her call me "Mom" and she sounded so grown up, so old, like she was 13 years old. I think my heart dropped in my chest at this realization, bc I am not ready for her to get so big so fast. Of course, I LOVE watching her learn new things, explore new things, take new steps, as she grows and becomes her own individual, but she will always be my baby, even when the new baby comes. I think I will just start saying, "My babies."
Then the proceeding coversation resulted in a lot more of, "Hi Mommy" (ies) and I could hear in her voice that she wanted to see me instead of just talk to me, and it was heart breaking to hear. I don't think I will be calling home to speak to her anymore. It was heartbreaking to me to continue the coversation as she just kept saying, "Mommy, Mommy," and I knew she wanted to see me. I tried to ask her specific questions questions but it ended up as more that she just wanted to call for me instead of answer them. My mother also said that when they said to say "good bye" and I said "good bye" and hung up, that big crocodile tears and crying resulted.
She has become more attached to me as we head into the two's and I can't help but wish that time would just speed up so I can be home with her permanantly. Knowing it's so close, and not yet here, is agonizing. And yet, I want to treasure this time between just the two of us. It breaks my heart to leave her everyday, and I want to be with her every moment when we are together, which seems impossible.
But that, "Hi Mom" keeps echoing in my mind, and reminding me that our little pumpkin is getting bigger, growing up, and I am unable to slow time down, and left to just try and embrace every moment of it.
Monday, April 4, 2011
2.
I hope to upload some photos from the Pumpkin's 2nd Birthday soon. Our French Poodle Hot Pink/Zebra themed party.
I can't believe our little pumpkin is 2.
I must say I was not too happy with the photos I took on her birthday. And, this frustrated me. I have just been really off with photography lately, and I'm not sure why. Maybe my frustrations at not having a working computer to upload photos to, or not being able to go where I want to go with photography. Maybe it's not having the energy to and time to put what I need to into my photography. And the two times I tried to get photos with the pumpkin, she was chasing her cousin around, and I couldn't get her to sit still with me. She had a great birthday though, and I can finally get some sleep now hopefully. Except, I do have to move on to the Nursery now that I am finished with the hubs birthday and her big 2nd Birthday celebration.
Next is my birthday, but that is not until Easter Sunday, and thankfully, I will be in Chicago with my family, and hopefully won't have to worry about entertaining or cleaning. I am kind of excited that my birthday falls on Easter this year, kind of something fun, unique and different.
Nik ended up having two birthday parties (one on her actual birthday wth family & then her Big 2nd Birthday party with friends and family) and we took Mother/Daughter Maternity photos the same week with my sister-in-law. It has been a crazy week. 48 Barefoot Contessa coconut cream cheese cucakes, 4 dozen iced "bones" and "high heels" scratch sugar cookies, oreo balls, Pink Poodle cupcakes that got nixed in the final stages because I couldn't find pink Circus peanuts anywhere but online, appetizers, pasta salads, tea sandwhiches, party planning and a near disaster with the Oopsy Daisy skirt and Rosette Tank. Grocery shopping, more grocery shopping, and more grocery shopping. Cleaning, cleaning, and more cleaning. I am exhausted, but I have been so hyped up the last few weeks, I feel like I still can't sit still. After staying up nights till12:30, 3:30, 5:30 am, and then all night the night before her actual birthday, after the party, I still found myself cleaning everything up, and passing out on my parents couch at 11:30 pm.
It's getting closer to the due date, and I can't help but wonder where the time went. We waited so late to tell everyone, and I have been so busy with work, taking care of NIk, holidays, showers, and birthdays, that I can barely believe we only have 2 1/2 months left (10 weeks Thursday). I find myself trying to mentally slow time down. I am so excited to welcome this new little pupmkin, but worried about my little pumpkin at home. I so want to treasure these last weeks I have her all to myself, hoping that she welcomes this new little brother or sister with a welcome and open heart. She does love her Mommy time. I just want to be able to give them both the time and lvoe they deserve and not feel completely overwhelmed.
Talking with my mother yesterday, I mentioned to her that when she passes there are a few things that I want for myself and my family, but mainly everything else I am more than happy to share with my family and extended family. Family photographs was one that was very important to me. I hope to line my future homes with loads of antique, old fashioned, photography of my parents family and of my own family. The other thing I mentioned to her was my Grandfather's antique cameras. I didn't know this until recently, but my mother's father loved photography and when he died it was very important to my mother to keep his cameras and a bulk of their family photographs. My mother told me how she was heatbroken bc one of his cameras she believes was accidently thrown out. I can't help wondering which camera it was, what it looked like, if I could have somehow located someone to restore it, and can't help but carry that loss as well. A piece of my Grandfather and what was was important to him gone forever; something that is just as important to me, a newfound shared passion with the Grandfather I never met, who died shortly before my mother was married to my father.
I found myself wondering about him and his passion, his interest in photography, and wondered if he didn't somehow pass that passion and love and desire through to me. To carry on his legacy and create these memories for our families and generations to come, and I found myself getting teary eyed over it. I found myself wishing I had had the opportunity to meet him and learn about his passion and love of photography, to have him teach me about life as Grandfathers do. A desire to pour out my ideas and thoughts about photography and to hear his own, and share that passion with him, and learn through him. And, a yearning desire to finish his legacy and honor him and my own family through my own pursuit of photography. I hope to make him proud one day and honor his passion through my own shared passion, love, and photgraphy.
I found myself hoping and praying that Nikolina and our children will have many, many years with their Grandfathers to share that special bond that only Grandfathers and grand children do. Having never met my mothers father, and losing my dad's father when I was 10, I am thankful for the memories that I do have of my father's father, and hope that Nikolina will have that too with her grandfathers.
XOXO
I can't believe our little pumpkin is 2.
I must say I was not too happy with the photos I took on her birthday. And, this frustrated me. I have just been really off with photography lately, and I'm not sure why. Maybe my frustrations at not having a working computer to upload photos to, or not being able to go where I want to go with photography. Maybe it's not having the energy to and time to put what I need to into my photography. And the two times I tried to get photos with the pumpkin, she was chasing her cousin around, and I couldn't get her to sit still with me. She had a great birthday though, and I can finally get some sleep now hopefully. Except, I do have to move on to the Nursery now that I am finished with the hubs birthday and her big 2nd Birthday celebration.
Next is my birthday, but that is not until Easter Sunday, and thankfully, I will be in Chicago with my family, and hopefully won't have to worry about entertaining or cleaning. I am kind of excited that my birthday falls on Easter this year, kind of something fun, unique and different.
Nik ended up having two birthday parties (one on her actual birthday wth family & then her Big 2nd Birthday party with friends and family) and we took Mother/Daughter Maternity photos the same week with my sister-in-law. It has been a crazy week. 48 Barefoot Contessa coconut cream cheese cucakes, 4 dozen iced "bones" and "high heels" scratch sugar cookies, oreo balls, Pink Poodle cupcakes that got nixed in the final stages because I couldn't find pink Circus peanuts anywhere but online, appetizers, pasta salads, tea sandwhiches, party planning and a near disaster with the Oopsy Daisy skirt and Rosette Tank. Grocery shopping, more grocery shopping, and more grocery shopping. Cleaning, cleaning, and more cleaning. I am exhausted, but I have been so hyped up the last few weeks, I feel like I still can't sit still. After staying up nights till12:30, 3:30, 5:30 am, and then all night the night before her actual birthday, after the party, I still found myself cleaning everything up, and passing out on my parents couch at 11:30 pm.
It's getting closer to the due date, and I can't help but wonder where the time went. We waited so late to tell everyone, and I have been so busy with work, taking care of NIk, holidays, showers, and birthdays, that I can barely believe we only have 2 1/2 months left (10 weeks Thursday). I find myself trying to mentally slow time down. I am so excited to welcome this new little pupmkin, but worried about my little pumpkin at home. I so want to treasure these last weeks I have her all to myself, hoping that she welcomes this new little brother or sister with a welcome and open heart. She does love her Mommy time. I just want to be able to give them both the time and lvoe they deserve and not feel completely overwhelmed.
Talking with my mother yesterday, I mentioned to her that when she passes there are a few things that I want for myself and my family, but mainly everything else I am more than happy to share with my family and extended family. Family photographs was one that was very important to me. I hope to line my future homes with loads of antique, old fashioned, photography of my parents family and of my own family. The other thing I mentioned to her was my Grandfather's antique cameras. I didn't know this until recently, but my mother's father loved photography and when he died it was very important to my mother to keep his cameras and a bulk of their family photographs. My mother told me how she was heatbroken bc one of his cameras she believes was accidently thrown out. I can't help wondering which camera it was, what it looked like, if I could have somehow located someone to restore it, and can't help but carry that loss as well. A piece of my Grandfather and what was was important to him gone forever; something that is just as important to me, a newfound shared passion with the Grandfather I never met, who died shortly before my mother was married to my father.
I found myself wondering about him and his passion, his interest in photography, and wondered if he didn't somehow pass that passion and love and desire through to me. To carry on his legacy and create these memories for our families and generations to come, and I found myself getting teary eyed over it. I found myself wishing I had had the opportunity to meet him and learn about his passion and love of photography, to have him teach me about life as Grandfathers do. A desire to pour out my ideas and thoughts about photography and to hear his own, and share that passion with him, and learn through him. And, a yearning desire to finish his legacy and honor him and my own family through my own pursuit of photography. I hope to make him proud one day and honor his passion through my own shared passion, love, and photgraphy.
I found myself hoping and praying that Nikolina and our children will have many, many years with their Grandfathers to share that special bond that only Grandfathers and grand children do. Having never met my mothers father, and losing my dad's father when I was 10, I am thankful for the memories that I do have of my father's father, and hope that Nikolina will have that too with her grandfathers.
XOXO
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Be Not Afraid...
This happened upon me today...
Be not afraid of going slowly; be afraid only of standing still.
~Chinese Proverb
I also have seen it read this way...
I'm not sure which way is correct, but I like it both ways. The first thing I thought of was my setbacks, or shall I say my "challenges" with pursuing photography. And it inspired me to not feel as discouraged about my current position, and having to hold off on pursuing photography on the level I am desiring. Going slowly or Growing slowly is better than not all. I think I may hang it where I can see it and be reminded everyday. My desk, our fridge, our office, our bedroom, our bathroom, Nik's room, etc.
Hope it inspired your life in some way(s) as it has inspired mine.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Happy Birthday.
Happy Birthday to my husband who turns 31 today. And what a Beautiful day for his Birthday. Gorgeous. Couldn't have asked for a more perfect Spring day compared to the weather we have been having lately. He requested Chicken + Noodles. He wanted hand rolled noodles, but I told him a working expecting mama does not have time for hand rolled noodles like Grandma used to make. I have been taking off work just to clean in order to have people over to the house. And to grocery shop and make the dinner and dessert. I have a day and half of vaction left till next June. I hope I make it till then, ha. I have to use my vacation when Nik is sick, and thus those days become my vacation. I stayed up till 4:30 am last night, and made it till about 8pm today, and then the tiredness hit me.
I love to plan parties and entertain family and friends though. Love it! And I LOVE having a clean house. I hope I can maintain it this way till Nik's Birthday party, or else I'll be doing this all over again. I get so giddy having a clean house.
I am so excited for her 2nd Birthday, wait till you see what I have planned. A French Poodle Party, and if I can pull it off, I will feel a huge relief when it's all over. I'm also excited for my niece Bella's 1st Birthday party this weekend! I miss my brother, sister-in-law ans nieces terribly since we live about two hours away. And I know Nik wil have a blast at the party. She had so much fun with her triplet cousins at Daddy's party tonight.
I love to plan parties and entertain family and friends though. Love it! And I LOVE having a clean house. I hope I can maintain it this way till Nik's Birthday party, or else I'll be doing this all over again. I get so giddy having a clean house.
I am so excited for her 2nd Birthday, wait till you see what I have planned. A French Poodle Party, and if I can pull it off, I will feel a huge relief when it's all over. I'm also excited for my niece Bella's 1st Birthday party this weekend! I miss my brother, sister-in-law ans nieces terribly since we live about two hours away. And I know Nik wil have a blast at the party. She had so much fun with her triplet cousins at Daddy's party tonight.
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