Happy 10 Month Little Pumpkin!!!

We love You!!

Cause For Celebration.

My mother (Mimi) watches the pumpkin on Thursdays (her day off), and this week, I had to be at work by 7 am, so my hubby took me to work today and dropped the pumpkin off at my parents house.  I always love it when we can do little things like that together, as a family, like riding to work together, or even just simple things like grocery shopping or running errands.  It's nice when things work out that way.  I love those days, when things seemed a little relaxed and you can do things like that...

I was awarded a promotion at work today.  I received an annual bonus and by surprise, my manager also informed me that I received a job level promotion to boot!!!  So, our family received a little bump in pay today, which will help us get a leg up on those medical bills we still have yet to pay off!!  Woo hoo!!  So, my hubby took me out for a quick bite to eat for lunch at a quaint little Italian restaurant in town, and then we grabbed a bite to eat after we went to pick up the pumpkin at my parents house together. 
Out to eat twice in one day--we were spoiled today!  I loved every minute of it.  Mostly just the time spent together doing something out of the ordinary...

The promotion was a nice way to end the week, as this has felt like a very long week for me, even with Wednesday off with the pumpkin, I have just been terribly exhausted this week.  And, lately, at work, the customers have been really, really, cranky, and it has had me reaching for every strain of patience that I have (and I am not a patient person!).  Maybe I am a little cranky too, but I swear people are cranky lately (It must be the winter blues!)  It is also Nik's 10 Month Anniversary tomorrow, and Diesel's 5th Birthday.  We stopped by my hubby's new office, and I must say that it is looking very nice, and we are so proud of him, and so excited!!  So, today, we had cause for celebration for many reasons. 

I can't believe our little pumpkin is going to be 10 Months tomorrow.  I just love her to pieces!!  I am going to try and write a few words about what she's been up to lately tomorrow and to wish my sis-in-law a Happy 22nd Birthday, but I just wanted to say Happy Thursday, and...

 "It's Finally Friday, Here Again!!"  Woo hoo!  Thank Goodness!!

The little pumpkin has 5 teethers!! 

My hubby bought me this little cake to celebrate my promotion...isn't he a sweetie!!!

You have to love that he walked into the store, looked around, and thought,"Ahh, yes, Beer candles. That is just what this cake needs! These will be perfect!!!" 

Beer candles!!!  Ha, What a guy!

I actually love it!!  I think it's adorable!

Wordless Wednesday.

Okay, so I'm not quite sure where Wordless Wednesday originated.  I have seen it on MckMama and Baby Davis Michael (stopped by there earlier).  But, I have always enjoyed the idea of participating each Wednesday, and adding a photo from that week. 

Today, my sis-in-law (Little Bites) came over to take Nik's 9 month photos (she's almost ten months-Friday-which is also Diesel's 5th Birthday and my other sister-in-law's 22nd Birthday!!)  Rachael took some great shots, and later on that afternoon, I got that itch as I so often do, so I just had to snap some too.  I loved this one, and I have some more to post tomorrow and later on this week.  But, I LOVE the idea of posting a photo every Wednesday, so I am going to try and do it as often as I can.  I have stayed at home with the pumpkin a few Wednesdays, as I still have some Family Leave Bonding (un-paid) to use until she's one. 

As I mentioned a while back, my hubby offered to let me use it once a week to stay home with the pumpkin.  I notice it in my paycheck, but it's worht it to me even if it means we have to skim somewhere else.  So, I frequently am home on Wednesdays, but have not really gotten to participating regularly every Wednesday with a photo as I wanted (even though I'm usually taking photos that day.)  I don't know what will happen once I am no longer home one day a week with the pumpkin (I'm trying no tto think about it), but for the next couple months, I'm going to try and post a photo regularly every Wednesday.

I love photography, as it so often takes your breath away.  And, I think that Wordless Wednesday is a great way to cater to the magic awe of photography.  There are so few moments that take your breath away...I think there should be more.  Which is why I LOVE photography.  It so often takes my breath away.  Especially my sister-in-law's (Little Bites) photography.  And, because I have posted this photo, I now have to post just one more...

 

(This is the same face she gave me when I dropped her off at daycare Tuesday+streaming tears...breaks your heart doesn't it??!!)

Grasping.

Ok, so I didn't think it was supposed to be getting harder to drop Nik off at Daycare, harder for both of us. 

This morning when I dropped her off at Daycare, she didn't want to go to our Daycare provider, and then when I handed her over again, she reluctatnly went, but then started crying.  Her little eyes just looked back at me, all welled up with tears, as her little face got all pink.  My heart just dropped. I mean, I am not seriously trying to drive you all crazy, but I am just at a loss as to what to do with this.  She's never done this before, except that she will also not comfortably go to the other daycare worker, but this has never happened with our primary care provider.  I have begun to think that maybe there is something that is not right with our situation and I think that I have got to start looking elsewhere for another provider. 

I have been saying this for sometime now, but out of convienence and justification that my reluctance was rooted in motherly ridiculousness, I have chosen to stay with our nanny.  But now, I just don't know.  This does not seem right.  I mean how do you know what kind of care your little one is receiving?  There's just no way to know FOR SURE.  I mean, no one is YOU.  No one will ever be what YOU would be to your little one, I know that.  I know that a lot of times, my ticks are just biased and flippant because I am not the one raising her, but really, how do you know what goes on over there?  The not knowing just kills me.  I mean, I don't want to say this, but I almost wish I had like a Nanny Cam Bear or something.  But, I'm afraid I wouldn't like what I see, which is probably a good sign that it's time for a change.  I just am reluctant to make it for some reason.  So, am I ridiculous, or what?  I just don't know what to do with her/this situation.  She's so back and forth.  I mean I know she'd rather be at home.

Our provider looks after a lot of children, most of them are older, as they shuttle school age children back and forth to school.  Maybe she's not getting enough attention.  maybe there's too much goign on over there. Maybe she's getting yelled at.  Maybe she's just being a 9 month old.  But, it's getting harder, I swear, for both of us.  We've been taking her to daycare since she was 12 weeks old.  Is it just me, or her getting older, or maybe somethings changed over there that would cause all this to suddenly seem like it was spiraling out of control.  Maybe my desire to stay home is growing stronger and I am just reaching, or maybe Nik is getting bigger and she's getting less attention. 

I have read that you are supposed to remain indifferent and realxed and not show your little one any anxiety over dropping him/her off at daycare.  You are supposed to keep it light, and not linger.  And, I do that.  So, I just don't know what to do.  She's becoming such a little person now, so aware.  Which is worse, because now she knows what she wants, and she can tell you.  And, daycare is not where she wants to be.  I am grasping for some answers, for some resolve to get through this, and I just hope that something comes to me.  I just want every one of her days, every one of her moments to be like this:

Not Me Monday.

Not Me Monday blog carnival was created by MckMama.  You can see how she and many other mommies did not spend their Monday here:http://www.mycharmingkids.net/.

I promise you, I DID NOT play "dress up" with my daughter and hold a little mini "photo shoot," dressing her in bare skinned, sleeveless dresses in the middle of winter, for over an hour (inside of course!).  I swear to you, I DID NOT then force her little chubby yummy arm through the tight body of said dress just to get it on, so I could snap a few photos.  I would NOT DO such a thing as to treat my daughter like a little doll, as she is a real, life, person with feelings and thoughts.  That is not me, and I would NEVER DO such a thing.

I also DID NOT while NOT taking said "photo shoot" neglect to see (in my feverant desire to get a good Christmas photo of Nik) that my daughter had NOT scraped her head on the Christmas tree or another unknown foreign object.  That would be irresponsible of me as a mother, and that it just NOT like me at all! 

I swear to you I DID NOT let my daughter chew on the metal key that opens the china hutch simply so I could get a picture of it, and because she has NOT done it for the past THREE weekends and I find it NOT absolutely hilarious each time she does NOT do it.

I swear to you, that I DID NOT, absolutely DID NOT take down Christmas decorations this weekend, spend the entire day putting up Valentines Day, and STILL did not NOT take down our Christmas Tree that is now standing admist Valentines Day decorations!!  That would be absolutely ridiculous of a person to do such a thing simply because they enjoy the illimination and BEAUTY of said Christmas Tree!!  That simply sounds crazy! and that does not sound like me at all!

Ok, so this is my second Not Me Monday, but as usual, I'm at work today, so unless you desire to hear about my Not Me Work Day, which I doubt you do, I had to regale you with our going-on-ings over the weekend.  I think I just made that word up?!  This time, there is less (much less), as I didn't have a four day weekend with the pumpkin and we shopped all our money away last weekend (except for a trip to the grocery store, well, two trips, we didn't do much).  We went to see Daddy twice at his new office, stopped at the vets, did some laundry, dishes, vacuumed, cleaned, played, took naps (well Nikolina napped, and I wanted to nap with her, but this little tick told me I had mommy things to do, and well, that I shouldn't nap with her, as we're trying to make her more comfortable sleeping, and falling back asleep alone, but Oh, believe me, I wanted to).  We took down the Christams Decorations (albeit the tree, of course!), put up some Valentine decorations, and went to church while Daddy worked, (late again of course!)

The Up and Up.

Nik has been feeling much better.  Thank Goodness.  These pics are from last weekend, bc I haven't snapped any this week yet.  Her nose is not runny or stuffed up anymore, and her cough is subsiding, just a few weak coughs here and there.   I am so thankful that I took her back and we got her on a Z-pak.  It's amazing how fast she started to get better after that.  I know that children should build their own immunity against these viruses, but how relieved are you when they give you these magic elixirs and, VOILA!!, your children turn right back around from that sick path they were heading down.  I have to admit, this thing was so bad, I was so worried about our little pumpkin!  We can finally have my sister-in-law, http://schiranotriplets.blogspot.com/ to take our little pumpkin's 9 month photos!  She's nearly 10 months at this point!  Which makes me a little sad that she's changed a little and we missed that window, but I am excited to take some photos of her naked in her little hat, crawling, cruising, and my sis-in-law mentioned some V-day shots, and I had been wanting to do that too (we think alike on photography so much sometimes), so I am soooo excited!

The pumpkin's taking a nap now, I was tempted to take one with her, but I FINALLY am going to take our tree down, while my hubby is relocating his office today.  They are moving locations and he rented a U-Haul and a friend and he are doing it all themselves to save money!  Isn't he such a little hard worker?!  We're so proud!  So, I've got to get the Christmas Storage boxes out of the basement beofre the pumpkin wakes up.  Just wanted to wish you a Happy Weekend.  We will be cleaning and putting away Christmas decs today and putting up some Valentined Day ones!!  Yeah!! 

I just love this little hat I got her from Baby Gap, sooo cheap!!  Isn't it addorable?!  I love how old fahioned their winter gear is this year!  It's absolutely adorable!!  I hope they continue to make clothes and accesories this adorable, I will be in there more often (on sale days of course!)  I just love winter and fall because of all the accessories you can pile on: scarves, hats, mittens, boots, big purses! 

There's so much fun stuff!

Nik is obsessed with the laundry shoot door!!  It's just her size!  It terrifies me that some time I'm not going to watching, or the door will be left open, and she's going to fly down it.  I have the same terrible fear about the basement stairs.  Scary!

I just love putting tons of bright colors on her!  She looks so adorable in jeans and a black turtleneck too, though.  Like a little version of me!  Ha!  Ugh, I can't believe my husband and I are almost 30!!  How sad will that be to no longer be in the 20's?

My Little Cupcake!

When I went to pick-up Nik from Daycare the on Tuesday, I met her in the driveway.  Our provider had just taken Nik with her to run a meal to a parishoner who had returned home from the hospital, after all the other kids had been picked up.  Somehow, all the other children's parents only work till 3:30 pm every day?   How do I get that job?  So, Nik is like a little latch key kid, because I usually don't get to her until quarter to 5, or quarter to 6 on days when I work later.  Fourtunately, the only day I have to work until 7:00 pm, is Thursdays when my mother watches Nik.  Our daycare provider is usually only there till 4:30 pm, but she makes an allowance for us, when we need it, otherwise I would have to leave work early every day and use vacation time to get off, or work extra hours to make it up.

So, she handed the little pumpkin to me, and we walked inside to get Nik's things.  She handed me Nik's things, and then, as I was about to turn and leave, Nik reached out for her, while I was holding her!!  Now, you can interpret that anyway you want to, but to me, that was just a stab to the heart.  She stated that she hadn't eaten for a while, or maybe Nik thought I was dropping her off, or maybe she was tired bc she had fallen asleep in the car, however you want to look at it, it simply says that I am not the primary provider for my daughter.  That I see her less than someone else, and in this instance, I was not her first choice, or her comfort.  Who am I to her?  Does she think I am the nanny?  This was just heart wrenching and disturbing to me as a mother and a woman.  It brought tears to my eyes, and bothered me for quite some time after.  It just gets to me, and bothers me that I am not in a different place than I had always thought that I would be.  And as awful as it is to think this, I just got to thinking, why do people have children who just go to work all day?  It's so strange because I know of parents who both work and their children attend daycare, whether becuase that is their life and they chose that path, or whether because their situations do not allow them to have it any other way.  But, I also know people who stay at home and raise their children instead of working, whether it be the mom or the dad that stays home. I also knwo people, who stay at home with their children, and I can't figure out HOW they are able to financially maneuver that.

Of course, I NEVER thought that I would be in this place with my daughter, or my children.  My mother worked, dont get me wrong.  My mother still works at 63 years old, full time!  When I was a child, she worked a day or two in the school library, and did home room mom stuff like that.  I think she was a troop leader one year, a high school cheerleading coach another year.  When we got older, she worked nights in retail, and by the time I was in junior high, she was back to work full time, and I was a latch key kid.  I was the last one off the bus (at two different addresses, figure that one out), and I walked home by myself, and let myself into the house, and was alone till my father came home from work.  And, if I forgot my key, which happened VERY often, I was alone on the stoop outside our house till my father came home (which always seemed like hours!!).   

That was my childhood growing up, but I didn't know of anything else, so that was completely normal and ordinary to me.  But, now, as an adult and a mother, I know that is not what I want for my children.  And, I know that my mother and most parents don't.  My mother did stay home to raise me and my older brothers when we were very young.  That I envy her.  My mother says now that if she could, she would watch the pumpkin every day, but she is still working.  And, I wish that I could change that for her.  It's so funny how people's lives are so different.  People's childhoods so diverse.  All because of upbringing, generations, lifestyles, circumstance, chance, and CHOICES.  Somethings you can't change, but choices are yours to claim.  I chose this path.  Now, of course I NEVER thought that I would have to go back to work, and give my daughter to a stranger to raise, but this little nagging, leaves me feeling I chose this path somehow, whether through direct choices or indirect, an that is my plight. 

So, the next day when I picked Nik up, she smiled this huge smile when I greeted her, and was very happy when our daycare provider handed her to me to hold in my arms.  Which is usually how this scene plays out.  And that did make my heart fill back up a little.  But, I still can't help but watch that scene from earlier, when she was not so happy, play back in my mind, and I don't think I will ever be able to fully let that fade from my memory.