Light...

I'm embarrassed even now to write this as it has been so long since I posted, and I have to apologize, and admit that I have missed writing and you, my friends, dearly.

I lost a piece of myself when our computer broke, and I could no longer upload photos to share with you all and to treasure and explore for myself. So much so, that I stopped picking up my camera. Staring at it sitting there gathtering dust, un-used, un-explored, un-challenged, lonely, sad, empty, well that's kind of how I have felt too.

Work has taken so much joy from me, so much life I have felt ebb away, missing out on my daughter's precious moments of youth and exploration and shared love, that I am having a hard time finding myself again.

Work has been insane, with no spare moment to re-group and find myself. This pregnancy has taken a lot out of me physically, finding only enough energy to take care of Nikolina and put some kind of dinner on the table.  And, the bitter cold of winter with endless snow and ice, and sunless days has done nothing to restore that energy.

Only recenlty have I found the a new found strength to actually finish our laundry that has piled up for weeks, and manage to clean the house and do the dishes. I have finally managed to keep the house clean for two weeks now, staying up till 2 am several nights.

And, the hubs and I have gone back and forth on the bills, our debts, and the budget, which has taken any emotional and mental strength I have had left.  It seems like everytime we get back on our feet, the rug is pulled out from underneath us, whether from our indirect doing, or by what can only be deemed dumb luck. 

I am determined to stay at home with our new child and with Nikolina.  And, I cannot rest until the day we make that dream a reality.  I am learning to shop generic, and tell myself I don't need that ice cream, or that unnecessary treat at the store. That stop at the vending machine or the Corporate Cafe could mean not staying home with my child. And, I am learning to do without so that I may be able to watch my children grow.

The other day, just when I thought that I couldn't bear to step outise until the bitter freezing cold and wind to walk the icy, snowy parking lot the length to my car at the end of the work day....I was driving to get Nikolina from daycare and realized that it was 4:50 pm and still sunny.  Through the drab winter, there the sun shone, like a beacon of hope, a ray of light in a cloud of darkness.  A promise of warmer weather, of lazy days in the grass, spring flowers, bubbles and walks to the park, and beautiful photos.  And, my spirit was lifted.

I've been forced to set photography on the back burner.  Most people would see these struggles as a challenge and for so long I did. For so long, I promised myself I would not give up on my dreams, my passion, on the art and light I found through photography. But, I gave in, as I do when excessive "no's" and "you can'ts" were thrown at me.  So many times I have entered giveaways daily, workshops opportunities, membership promotions, raffles in the hopes of getting a leg up. I even wrote a 6 page letter to a radio station during a make-a-wish promotion that went unanswered. 

I have not given up on my goal and my dreams to conquer photography, but until we have the means to further my dreams, I have to wait patiently on this passion that is bursting inside of me, begging to be explored.

A new change at work on our computers, has eliminated accessibility to some of the sites that I searched during the day in my free time to inspire me artistically and through communities, and even here with all of you. I never blogged much at work, but I can't, now even pull up my url any longer.

I'm not here to say, "I'm Back."  Because more than likely, I'm not, but I am trying. I am searching for that person within me that is trying to get back to all of you, trying to find the strength, energy, and the motivation.

Relishing in those little things that bring me so much joy:
Seeing Nikolina's face when I pick her up from daycare for the day
Watching the clock on my phone at work hit 4:30 pm
Watching Nikolina with her Baby and knowing what an amazing Big Sister she will be
Hearing her say "Ma Ma" or "Mommy"
Seeing her first thing in the Morning, after naptime, and last thing at night
Watching her learn
Hugs, snuggles, and kisses
Her joy and excitement at building a snowman in our front yard
Nikolina "cooking" with me
How she likes to play "hide and seek" and to "hide"
Laying my head on my pillow at night
A hot shower
Water
Chocolate
A Chocolate Chip Cookie
Ruffles on clothes
Newsboy Hats
Boots
Scarves
Fingerless gloves
Skinny Jeans
Leggins
Accessories
Jewelry
Perfume
Sexy Lingerie
Katy Perry
Hearts
Valentines Day
Sleeves that cover your hands with thumb holes
Hearing Nik say "Frosty" which sounds like "Frothy"
Hearing her say "Cruella" which sounds like "Ka lel a"
Hearing her say "I don't know" and put her hands up in a mock gesture
Hearing her say "I did it," "Mommy, I did it"
Hearing her say "Oh Man" or "No Way"
Hearing all the new words she learns every day
How she always steals your spot, on purpose
How she lives to jump on the Bed and "Fall down"
Reading to her
Watching her do everything with her baby, I do with her
How she wants to put colored sprinkles on EVERYTHING
Feeling the baby move/kick
Watching my jeans become too tight to zip or button
Dreaming of a Nursery
Dreaming of an Immaculate house, and an endless amount of time to clean it in
Dreaming of the time to be the organized person that I am
Dreaming of a computer and Photoshop, a workshop, and all the photo books I can find
And, dreaming of staying at home with my children.

Love to all XOXO

Snow Day.

http://kitschyphotography.wordpress.com/2011/01/30/snow-day/

I Have a Secret to Share...

http://kitschyphotography.wordpress.com/2011/01/01/4/








P.S. Since, I don't have a computer, or Photoshop to edit, I had to refer you to this site to share in my secret.  I created this wordpress site a while back to showcase my photography since I was having so many issues with Blogger.  If I tried to upload this photo to Blogger, you wouldn't have been able to read what the card stated...hee hee...

Happy New Year!!!

May this year bring you much good health, celebration, love, laughter, joy, and happiness!

Love.

Baby Bump.

http://kitschyphotography.wordpress.com/2010/12/30/baby-bump/

Top Two Tuesday! Top Two Favorite Christmas Memories.

It's that time again for Top Two with Tay over at The Undomestic Momma.

It's been a while since I posted, and I feel just sick abput it. Just trying to get through work, crazy lately, and not having a computer. I haven't picked up my camera in two months. Just stuck in a slump, I guess.  No computer, too cold to go outside, and our house is not quite picture friendly.  Considering just going back to a point and shoot and giving it up.  Ahh well. But it's Christmas, and things are tight around here, but Merry none the less.  Hoping Nik gets a little excited for Christmas, though I still don't think she has grasped the concept yet.

I have so many wonderful memories of Christmas as a child, young adult, adult, and then as a fiance, a wife, and a mother: Christmas Eve at my Nana's every year since I was born, followed by Church, reading Christmas stories, Christmas with my Grandma and Aunt and Uncle Christmas Day, Christmas in Arizonia with the hubs and his family, Christmas in Chicago at my Brother/Sister-in-laws when my sis-in-law was on bedrest.

The #1 memory I have at Christmastime is:

1. Baking Christmas Cookies with my Mom

My mom and I on Christmas Eve would make Iced Sugar Cookies and Peanut Butter Balls.  I can still remember the flour, the bakers cloth, the rolling pin, the cookie cutters, picking the icing and sprinkels for each cookie, dipping the peanut Butter in Chocolate, and opening the Christmas Tins we would store them in. We would usually be listening to Christmas music, with "It's a Wonderful Life" or "The Bishops Wife" on in the background.  And then, leaving the cookies for Santa, with carrots for Rudolph, milk, and a letter for Santa.  I still put cookies out for Santa, always have.  Nik and I just made Peanut Butter Balls Sunday, and we are going to make Iced Sugar Christmas Cookies Christmas Eve.  Yeah!  Can't wait!  I wear my Christmas Apron, and she has a little snowman apron that is too cute!

and

2.

The Windows at Marshall Fields/Having lunch at The Walnut Room in Chicago with my Mom and Brothers
My mom dragged us every year around Christmas to see the windows at Marshall Fields in Chicago, and to have lunch around the Big Christmas Tree in the Walnut Room.  We took the train up usually, and we went no matter what the weather. Rain, snow, freezing temperatures. She told us we'd look back and remember this, and be glad she dargged us, and she was right. Thankfully Macy's is continuing the Tradition, and we were able to take Nik last year, though we have not made it there with her yet this year. Hopefuly, after Christmas:)

 and
I have to mention...

 Christmas Mornings

The magic of Christmas mornings was what I loved best. The magic and joy of running down the stairs to see if Santa had come and put something under the tree and filled our stockings.  Stockings are my FAVORITE thing!  I am huge into stockings!  It was less about what was under the tree, and more about the magic of believing in Santa.  I have many memories of my brother sneaking into my room early, early Christmas morning to wake me up, and we snuck downstairs together to see if we could catch Santa.  We were always caught!  My world was crushed when a little girl in my class told me about Santa. I still choose to believe, and every year, I still wake up, and run to the tree, wondering if there will be a mysterious gift under the tree...hoping...

There is nothing like the Magic of Christmas!

Merry Christmas y'all!



Weekend Update and Coldstone Creamery WINNER!

Hey Y'all!

Happy Monday!  Brrr, what a cold weekend we had!  I won tickets to Uncle Kracker on a local radio station, but the concert was about an hour away, and we happen to have a small ice storm and got a late start, so hubs said that we wouldn't be able to attend;(.  I was dissapointed, but hubs DID take me to a Chicago Bears Game Sunday for business, and the weather was so bad, we got to stay the night in Chicago over night. Yeah!!  I had to be at work at 8am today, but we were able to have a nice dinner after the game at a little Italian Restaurant called the Italian Village that was TO DIE FOR!  We had the cutest little booth/table, nestled in this little cove like corner, all to ourselves.  IT was so private and intimate.  They had fabulous bread/olive oil, great food, and dessert!

This Picture pretty much sums up the whole game for me. Tom Brady and the Partiots outdefeated us in any and every way imagineable.  If anyone of you saw, the Bears game was a massacre and it was brutally cold, windy and snowy, with -5 windshield.  But, we were able to go with two other young couples who the hubs does businness with and we had a nice lunch at Kroll's Bar near Soldier Field, had fun at the game bundled up, with only our eyes showing, drinks afterwards, and then huns and I seperated to go to dinner, and then back to the hotel, where I took a very long hot shower.

My parents watched Nik over the weekend.  She had the onset of a cold.cough, and it escalated over the weekend, so they stated they would watch her today, so hopefully, she gets to feeling a little better.  My dad said it looks like our dog Diesel got into something too while we were gone, and now, we think he's sick top. What a mess.  Hopefully, he'll be okay.

It was my brothers birthday Sunday, and my brother, sister-in-law, and nieces came down from Chciago to visit. Happy Birthday Troy, you're a GREAT UNCLE, and Nikolina just adores you!  We were sorry we missed my family, but we're looking forward to seeing them on Christmas!  Apparently Nik had a blast with my 6 year old niece and doted on my 9 month old niece.  Savannah was pulling Nik around the house on her bottom with a silkie and Nikolina was cracking up hysterically, and she kept running over to my 9 month old niece wanting to kiss and hold baby Isabella over and over.

My point and shoot is broken, so we only took some pics with a throw away camera. So I don't have any to share of the game, not that I could share them anyway without going to my parents to upload them, ha.  But, I could probably show you a pic of a couple people wraqpped up like Mummies with only their eyes exposed, and you wouldn't know the difference...

But, you wouldn't know that this wasn't us, unless I told you, would you???

I have no idea who these people are, found it online.
But this is pretty much what everybody looked like walking around, ha!

But, I hope you all had a GREAT WEEKEND, and I do have a WINNER for the $20 GC Coldstone Creamery Giveaway. Wish I could give one to everyone. I went to Random.Org, and you have to pay a fee and be a member to get the official drawing pic/info. But, I assigned a number to all of you based off what order your comments were in, if you participated, and assigned two numbers to you if you chose a flavor, etc.  I think drawing names from a hat is more fun, and would have had Nik do it, but this seemed more fair.

For generic giveaway results. The top number in the Random sequence is used.

Which was  #8.

I tried to attach the link below, showing that #8 was the first number in the random sequence, but the link just kept changing the number sequence. 

CONGRATULATIONS Allison of Life With Lydia. 

Isn't the pic of her little one THE CUTEST EVER!!  WHAT A DOLL!

Email me at lindsay.berner@gmail.com with your address to claim your prize!
Hopefully, I will have more Giveaways for you. I had so much fun with this one, I think I am going to try and have another one soon!

Happy Monday Y'all!