This past Saturday, I found out a great person that I've had the opportunity to meet through my career, lost his father on Friday. I thought a lot about what he must be going through, though I know that I can never really know. I thought about the loss and the pain that he must be experiencing, along with, hopefully, a celebration of his father's life. Today, a friend, forwarded me his father's obituary, my friend's father (mother) lived in Iowa, and it was just the most beautiful thing I'd heard in a while. It really hit home for me, and I found myself tearing up in the elevator a few minutes later. I stopped myself from full on having a mini-breakdown, but I just got to thinking, life is so unpredictable. Here, I am at work, listening to someone complain about something that was an accident, and something that's fixable, and this person thinks their world is over and they are furious with this person who clearly did not set out to ruin this person's life. How frivolous it all seems. As I sit here, my friend is burying his father. People all over the world are burying their loved ones, watching as their loved ones are facing death, waiting as their loved one undergoes a life threatening surgery, hoping and praying that they don't outlive their own children, that their child gets a chance to feel the Spring wind on their face, lay in the sun on a hot Summer day, Dance in a pile of leaves, make Angels in the new fallen snow, pleading that they don't have to face every day without this person. And, it just gets me thinking...I know that their is a higher purpose. I know that God has a plan for each and every person. At least, I tell myself that. I think that many people tell that to themselves, how else could you cope with all the pain and suffering in the world, unless you believed that. And there is so much good. Everyday there is good. But, man is there bad too.
How much or our lives are chance and how much is part of a grander scheme? How much is controlled by us, by our own behavior, and what portion of it is pre-determined by a higher being? Can you prevent a heart attack by lowering your cholesterol, can you prevent a stroke by trying to limit the amount of stress in your life, can you prevent cancer by not smoking? Is that manipulating God's plan by avoiding these factors? Does that makes us in control of our own lives? Or, was it all part of a plan? Do we decide our own fate when we indulge in high risk behaviors? Or are we falling into a plan God has already mapped out for us? Is that why some people who take these risks live long lives, and some people's lives are cut short? They have different plans? What about people that strive to live good lives, and their lives are taken surprisingly, and others who indulge in high risk behaviors go on to live full, long, lives. What about babies that are welcomed to Heaven that have not been given the opportunity to damage their chance at a long life? What about those that are 1 day old, 1 week old, 1 month old? What is their purpose? They haven't even been given a chance. Are their souls given to another body in that case? Since, they haven't the opportunity to live? Do they have souls at 1 minute old? When does one officially have a soul? Babies and children are the hardest for me. All those children at St. Jude, who under go rounds and rounds of chemo therapy and all that they endure? Only to sometimes not make it through to hit a baseball, catch the winning touchdown, see another rainbow, to dance, to fall in love, to feel the love of a child, what's that purpose?
Maybe it's my friend's father's passing, or my husband's uncle passing, or witnessing what the McKinney's are going through with Stellan, or the millions of other people across the world that are dealing with life and death that has got me questioning, why? I know there's a plan, a higher purpose, but why? Does God take a part in everyday occurrences, does he put his hand in things, or does he remain silent and obsolete in everyday matters? Did he just create, and then Adam and Eve fell from his grace, and now each day we live, we make our own destiny, or does God have a hand in it? Is there a Heaven? Or, is that just something we tell ourselves to feel better about death? Will God answer these questions for us when we arrive at the pearly gates? I think I will never receive an answer to these questions. But, I'm okay with that. And, for now, all I can do, is just try and make each day count, live life to the fullest, as if it were my last day here on earth.
James, you are in my thoughts and my prayers. May God's Grace be with you today, and each day forward. May you find solace and comfort in something within yourself, and belief and comfort in a higher purpose. God be with you.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Routine Break.
There's this crazy thing called being a Mom, that puts the obsessive compulsive, anal, planner, neat freak, organizational, high strung, emotional, crazy into anyone. I have always thought of myself as a clean person. I really try to be -Thanks, Mom. I would also say that I am a pretty organized person as well. Slightly obsessive compulsive, and somewhat of a planner.
Before my husband started tearing our house apart for the re-model, I would say you could probably eat off of the counters and the floors in our house, I kept a pretty clean house. Then when my husband tore the house apart, I had to learn how to relax and not freak out about the little things that don't get done or cleaned around the house, which has helped me since having a child. Becuase when you have a child, and you are the primary caregiver, and working full-time, things are going to fall the wayside. There will be dust bunnies, and dishes in the sink, and laundry that has to wait. And Josh's dirty socks on the living room floor and his underwear in the bathroom don't seem as catastrophic as they used to. Because after all, those things seem small compared to a big empty room where your kitchen used to be or drywall, saw dust, paint, and tools laying all over what used to be the living room. I have always been quite tolerant of my husband-Josh leaving things laying around, I really don't mind following him around with a little broom and dustpan. Ha ha! Seriously though, I don't mind doing it bc I like taking care of him, and well, he's a guy. Isn't that what guy's do??!! I really only mention it when I'm about to pull my eyes and hair out because I'm over stressed and overworked or if we are having an argument and I need leeway.
Enter Motherhood, and all those little crazy quirks become full blown borderline disorders! I mean, you have to keep it together as a mother, and I only have 1! Every evening since I went back to work when Nik turned 12 weeks, I have this nightly routine that I do (this, of course, is pre-swine flu shot, pre-teething days): I get Nik ready for bed. This could include a full on bath or sponge bath. But, always consists of changing her diaper, putting her jammies on, reading her a story or two, singing to her, rocking in the rocking chair, talking quietly to her, nursing her if needed in the rocking chair. I turn her mobile on, her white noise, get her nookie, her bunny foo foo or monkey lovie, and put her down. Afterwards, I take care of our black Labrador Diez. He is healing from some issues that I'd rather not hash right now, but he requires at least 1/2 or more of my attention at this time. Then, I pick up around the house as best I can, without going full on cleaning (I'd never stop if I started, and I'd be a walking Zombie!). I will put any clothes in washer/dryer that need to be. Load the dishwasher. Clean the dishes/pots/pans from dinner. Clean the kitchen. Then I will wash/dry Nikolina's bottles/bowls/spoon, etc. Next I will wash/dry my medella breast pump parts and bottles. Then, I will measure out the gerber poofs, and cereal for Nik for the next day, and the formula for her bottles (I have to add a little supplement since I went back to work and couldn't keep up with Nik's milk supply needs and depending on the day and how full my milk supply was/is, I have to vary how much supplement is added to the breast milk and put in the dispenser daily). I measure out the breast milk into the bottles for the following day. Next, I will pack Nikolina's two bags for the next day. This includes in her diaper bag: adding diapers, a change of clothes, burp clothes, bibs, toys, blankets, teethers, nuks. In her other bag: a crawl toy, her daily journal, her cereal bowl, cereal, formula, formula dispenser, spoon, bib, thermometer, motrin for teething, gerber poofs, wash cloth, etc. I put them by the door. I also make sure my purse, breast pump bag, and milk thermos bag is ready by the door as well (I have learned that it saves time to1. Have these bags ready by the door 2. Saves me from having to drive all the way home from work to get something I forgot. Then I pack my lunch for the next day. Finish off any laundry that needs brought up or put in dryer, say good night to the dog, set my electric curlers out if I am using them the next day, have an idea in mind off what I am wearing the next day, and set that out if necessary, and have Nik's outfit set out, coat, hat(by the door) ready for the next day. Every second in the morning is essential. I get my glass of water and put that by the bed for late night feeding, get my phone and the baby monitor and plug them in by the bed, and take a shower (I have to shower at night, as I would never make it to work the next day if I didn't do it the night before). I do all those womanly things required after a shower/bath, moisturize, brush teeth, comb/brush hair, etc. and put my pj's on if I haven't already done so. Then, I do anything that needs to be done at that moment, check the baby in her room, turn white noise on again, and go to bed. The time I actually get to bed can vary, sometimes it;s already the next day, esopecially lately with Nik not getting to sleep.
That's it, in a nutshell. That's my routine, and I'm pretty faithful to it, every night. Doesn't vary much from that. Things can vary from the time I come home from work up until my nightly routine but they pretty much involve taking care of the baby, feeding the baby, playing with the baby, changing the baby, taking care of the dog, putting the baby down for a nap, etc. The morning you can pretty much get the gist of. It's like a race for the Gold, aka getting Nik and myself ready and out the door and get work on time. There's a early morning feeding, sometimes a nightly feeding. I wake up, take care of Nik if she's awake, get ready for work, get the milk and bags, get what I need for work, purse, breast pump, lunch, let the dog out (though sometimes Josh does that for me), feed the dog, get Nik dressed, get Nik to the Nanny, discuss things with her, Nik's schedule, any events, my schedule, Josh's schedule, any instructions. Any kids sick, etc, what's going on with Nik since yesterday, etc. Then I'm off to work, usually I'm pretty regularly anywhere from 5 min to 10 minutes late, since having Nikolina. There are times that's it's more and I have to use vacation time (you can only use vacation or make it up when you're late), or make up the extra time, but I can't bare to be away from Nik for longer than I have to be, so I usually just use vacation time.
Well, this past week was a little break from my nightly routine because of Day Light Savings Time last Sunday. Ever since we "fell back," I have had some "extra time" to catch up. The first 3 days, I was going at my usual pace, and actually was an hour early for three days, just waiting around till I needed to be somewhere. Then for 4 days, I was able to do some of my nightly routine in the morning, because I was running on "borrowed time." Also, because I was so exhausted after finally getting Nik to bed, I really had no choice but to do it in the morning, and it was easier than the doing it the night before. I imagine, soon, my body will get back to it's routine, and I will be completing my nightly ritual as usual but for now, it's a nice break, and I actually feel like I have a little extra time in the day. It would be nice to feel this way every day. Guess I'll just wait till next year around this time. Even though, it's put Nik a little out of whack for the week, I have enjoyed the chance to feel caught up in the morning.
Before my husband started tearing our house apart for the re-model, I would say you could probably eat off of the counters and the floors in our house, I kept a pretty clean house. Then when my husband tore the house apart, I had to learn how to relax and not freak out about the little things that don't get done or cleaned around the house, which has helped me since having a child. Becuase when you have a child, and you are the primary caregiver, and working full-time, things are going to fall the wayside. There will be dust bunnies, and dishes in the sink, and laundry that has to wait. And Josh's dirty socks on the living room floor and his underwear in the bathroom don't seem as catastrophic as they used to. Because after all, those things seem small compared to a big empty room where your kitchen used to be or drywall, saw dust, paint, and tools laying all over what used to be the living room. I have always been quite tolerant of my husband-Josh leaving things laying around, I really don't mind following him around with a little broom and dustpan. Ha ha! Seriously though, I don't mind doing it bc I like taking care of him, and well, he's a guy. Isn't that what guy's do??!! I really only mention it when I'm about to pull my eyes and hair out because I'm over stressed and overworked or if we are having an argument and I need leeway.
Enter Motherhood, and all those little crazy quirks become full blown borderline disorders! I mean, you have to keep it together as a mother, and I only have 1! Every evening since I went back to work when Nik turned 12 weeks, I have this nightly routine that I do (this, of course, is pre-swine flu shot, pre-teething days): I get Nik ready for bed. This could include a full on bath or sponge bath. But, always consists of changing her diaper, putting her jammies on, reading her a story or two, singing to her, rocking in the rocking chair, talking quietly to her, nursing her if needed in the rocking chair. I turn her mobile on, her white noise, get her nookie, her bunny foo foo or monkey lovie, and put her down. Afterwards, I take care of our black Labrador Diez. He is healing from some issues that I'd rather not hash right now, but he requires at least 1/2 or more of my attention at this time. Then, I pick up around the house as best I can, without going full on cleaning (I'd never stop if I started, and I'd be a walking Zombie!). I will put any clothes in washer/dryer that need to be. Load the dishwasher. Clean the dishes/pots/pans from dinner. Clean the kitchen. Then I will wash/dry Nikolina's bottles/bowls/spoon, etc. Next I will wash/dry my medella breast pump parts and bottles. Then, I will measure out the gerber poofs, and cereal for Nik for the next day, and the formula for her bottles (I have to add a little supplement since I went back to work and couldn't keep up with Nik's milk supply needs and depending on the day and how full my milk supply was/is, I have to vary how much supplement is added to the breast milk and put in the dispenser daily). I measure out the breast milk into the bottles for the following day. Next, I will pack Nikolina's two bags for the next day. This includes in her diaper bag: adding diapers, a change of clothes, burp clothes, bibs, toys, blankets, teethers, nuks. In her other bag: a crawl toy, her daily journal, her cereal bowl, cereal, formula, formula dispenser, spoon, bib, thermometer, motrin for teething, gerber poofs, wash cloth, etc. I put them by the door. I also make sure my purse, breast pump bag, and milk thermos bag is ready by the door as well (I have learned that it saves time to1. Have these bags ready by the door 2. Saves me from having to drive all the way home from work to get something I forgot. Then I pack my lunch for the next day. Finish off any laundry that needs brought up or put in dryer, say good night to the dog, set my electric curlers out if I am using them the next day, have an idea in mind off what I am wearing the next day, and set that out if necessary, and have Nik's outfit set out, coat, hat(by the door) ready for the next day. Every second in the morning is essential. I get my glass of water and put that by the bed for late night feeding, get my phone and the baby monitor and plug them in by the bed, and take a shower (I have to shower at night, as I would never make it to work the next day if I didn't do it the night before). I do all those womanly things required after a shower/bath, moisturize, brush teeth, comb/brush hair, etc. and put my pj's on if I haven't already done so. Then, I do anything that needs to be done at that moment, check the baby in her room, turn white noise on again, and go to bed. The time I actually get to bed can vary, sometimes it;s already the next day, esopecially lately with Nik not getting to sleep.
That's it, in a nutshell. That's my routine, and I'm pretty faithful to it, every night. Doesn't vary much from that. Things can vary from the time I come home from work up until my nightly routine but they pretty much involve taking care of the baby, feeding the baby, playing with the baby, changing the baby, taking care of the dog, putting the baby down for a nap, etc. The morning you can pretty much get the gist of. It's like a race for the Gold, aka getting Nik and myself ready and out the door and get work on time. There's a early morning feeding, sometimes a nightly feeding. I wake up, take care of Nik if she's awake, get ready for work, get the milk and bags, get what I need for work, purse, breast pump, lunch, let the dog out (though sometimes Josh does that for me), feed the dog, get Nik dressed, get Nik to the Nanny, discuss things with her, Nik's schedule, any events, my schedule, Josh's schedule, any instructions. Any kids sick, etc, what's going on with Nik since yesterday, etc. Then I'm off to work, usually I'm pretty regularly anywhere from 5 min to 10 minutes late, since having Nikolina. There are times that's it's more and I have to use vacation time (you can only use vacation or make it up when you're late), or make up the extra time, but I can't bare to be away from Nik for longer than I have to be, so I usually just use vacation time.
Well, this past week was a little break from my nightly routine because of Day Light Savings Time last Sunday. Ever since we "fell back," I have had some "extra time" to catch up. The first 3 days, I was going at my usual pace, and actually was an hour early for three days, just waiting around till I needed to be somewhere. Then for 4 days, I was able to do some of my nightly routine in the morning, because I was running on "borrowed time." Also, because I was so exhausted after finally getting Nik to bed, I really had no choice but to do it in the morning, and it was easier than the doing it the night before. I imagine, soon, my body will get back to it's routine, and I will be completing my nightly ritual as usual but for now, it's a nice break, and I actually feel like I have a little extra time in the day. It would be nice to feel this way every day. Guess I'll just wait till next year around this time. Even though, it's put Nik a little out of whack for the week, I have enjoyed the chance to feel caught up in the morning.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
In the Pink...
Except for Teeth.
Nikolina has been teething for quite a while now, and I have to say at times, it has me hanging on by a very thin thread. It's possible I am lacking in the patience department, it's also possible that I turn her agony on myself, and blame myself for not being able to relieve her pain, it's also possible that I'm dealing with a million other "Mom/wife/woman things and worries" at the same time. It could possibly be juggling a household, my desire to be perfect in an imperfect world, the manic need to have a clean household and find organization with no spare time to do it it in, holding a full-time job, caring for a chronically ill black labrador, and a husband who I love and adore, but have aptly named "the tornado" because where ever he lands things get thrown all over the place, holding on to a little pregnancy belly that I haven't the desire or the energy to try and do something about, and wanting to be the june cleaver/betty crocker homemaker, but feeling more like "mommy dearest" ('no more wire hangers!!'). I had Nikolina vaccinated for the H1N1 virus, and I am just praying that it is not having some kind of a negative effect on her. She is cutting three teeth simultaneously, so I am thinking that would be enough to make her a little challenging, but it takes anywhere from 1-3 hours for me to get her to sleep, she wakes up in the middle of the night, and it is very difficult for me to get her back to sleep in her own bed, and the Motrin doesn't seem to act as much of a deterrent for her pain. The only thing that seems to stabilize her is nursing, so I have been nursing her constantly, round the clock, as that is the only thing that seems to soothe her, and it is wearing on me. But compared to what worse things I could be dealing with, I am happy to say that this is only a small problem that in time, I am hoping, will pass.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Reaching...
If you find this post, I ask that you pray for Stellan and the McKinney Family. They need God's grace now more than ever. You can see their story here:
Humbled...
I cannot believe it, but a fellow blogger, and SITS sister, has nominated little me for these wonderful awards!! I am so honored and giddy like a little school girl that she has given me such props!! I'm new, and I sure do appreciate the love!!
She goes by Tori, but you can call her Vic (her name is Victoria). You can find her and her blog 'Two Girls and a Guy' here:http://torijean.blogspot.com/. She's a breath of fresh air, has a great sense of humor, and a Mommy to two beautiful girls! Stop by and say Hi! and offer her your support, leave a comment, and help brighten her day, as she has mine!
She goes by Tori, but you can call her Vic (her name is Victoria). You can find her and her blog 'Two Girls and a Guy' here:http://torijean.blogspot.com/. She's a breath of fresh air, has a great sense of humor, and a Mommy to two beautiful girls! Stop by and say Hi! and offer her your support, leave a comment, and help brighten her day, as she has mine!
Monday, November 2, 2009
What a Night!
Where are all the Trick or Treaters, Ma?
There's a dragon at the door! Oh wait, that's just J.J. Whew! That was a close one!
My sister-in-law got some great pics of the Halloween Festivities! And what a beautiful night it was! The weather was just Beautiful! I haven't seen a Halloween so perfect! Here's one of Becca as Cookie Monster. Isn't her costume great?! Cookie Monster hits a little close to home in this house too, Ha!
Busy Busy Bee, Ella (Elizabeth Garrett)!
Butterfly Cameron Grace!
James Andrew (J.J.)
Mommy and her Sweet Pea!
J.J.
The Pumpkin!
Daddy and James (who kept disappearing to the candy bowls)!
Nana and her Nanettes! I love this crazy photo!!!
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